IME doctors try to blame my new tendency toward depression on my life prior to the accident. Not sure how exactly they come up with that, but regardless, it's sure a problem now. And something I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks. First the exhaustion from the reunion, followed by an ongoing crisis involving a fairly close family member and, finally, a lovely summer cold (bad enough that my mom didn't recognize my voice when she called about twelve hours after first realizing I was sick).
Before the accident I tried to strive for contentment. Not that I didn't have really happy moments, or really down moments-I think that's just the way it is for most people.
Did I get depressed? Yeah, sometimes I did. I spent most of 2002/2003 extremely depressed. Of course my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it. So I'm fairly confident in assuming that was normal. And I'm sure that that's playing a huge role in the worsening of this TBI/PTSD-related depression because August 30th will be the seven year anniversary of his death.
It's funny that before the accident the only three 'events' that made me sad were his birthday, my birthday and Christmas. For whatever reason, the anniversary didn't bother me much at all. But the past two years August has been very difficult to get through.
Anyway, between that, all that's happened this month, and the fact that I no longer am able to get treatment for anything (thanks to the IME reports), I'm having a tough time lately. The ability to 'bounce back' just isn't there right now.
I can't help but wonder if it's like this for all TBI/PTSD victims. If it will ever go away, or if there's anything I can do to get it out of my life. Being more of a vitamin, herb, natural cures kind of person, it's dismaying to realize that I really miss my antidepressant. And the counseling.
Is there a purpose for today's blog? Probably not. I think it's more to try and explain the sudden lack of posts than anything else. It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for anything when you're exhausted, don't feel good, are missing your dad....and wonder if what you're stuck with post-accident is what you're....well stuck with.
After almost two years, that would appear to be the case.
Showing posts with label accident. Show all posts
Showing posts with label accident. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What a Week!
Exhaustion and depression aren't picnics on their own but, add the two together, and life becomes really hard.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
Monday, August 16, 2010
For Ladies Only...or maybe not
I can't begin to describe the agony I was in after the accident. And I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Outside of toothaches and hard labor pains anyway. What I was left with after my encounter with the 'red light runner,' rates right up there with those two experiences. Except labor eventually ends and dentists can fill or pull a tooth pretty quickly.
This went on round the clock, month after month after month. And all I looked forward to were the shots the doctor thought would help. But I couldn't have those until all the testing was finished, and circumstances beyond my control caused that to take longer than it should.
Finally, about five months later, I went in for the first of a series of three shots over a month or so. I was offered an I.V. sedative but I've had enough I.V.'s in my life (pregnancy related) that it didn't seem like any shot could hurt that bad, so I said no. I'd just tough it out.
Wow. What an experience. Amazingly enough the shots did hurt. At least as bad as an I.V. But it wasn't anything I couldn't tolerate, and I didn't have to worry about feeling groggy the rest of the day. Or groggier than had become normal by that point.
Those first shots, one somewhere along the spine, and a second one in the bursa of my left hip were wonderful. Almost immediate pain relief. I was so happy I could have danced, but I knew better. Just because the pain was essentially gone didn't mean the injuries were.
When the shots wore off within ten days, I was discouraged. Relief from excruciating pain, only to have it return full force, only makes it feel worse. So I was a little skeptical for the next two appointments. With good reason because the next two sets didn't have any effect at all. On the pain.
They did, however, have a peachy little side effect no one bothered to mention. Can we say irregular periods? I don't know about you but just one regular four or five day period every month is more than enough for me.
Try nine in six months, each one lasting ten days to two weeks.
At first it scared the heck out of me and I started Googling it. Could there be a correlation between the steroid shots and what was going on? Yup. And it's fairly common, too, from what I was able to find. Common enough that it should have made the side-effect list they gave me.
I'm not sure what decision I'd have made had I known at the onset that the shots weren't going to help. Probably gone ahead and gotten them anyway. I was pretty desperate. At least now I don't have to weigh pain relief at the expense of half my life on a period.
Would I have more shots? Not a chance! I wasn't impressed with the three sets I had (all without I.V. sedation). I was even less impressed with what followed.
So why did I share this experience? Because you need to be informed about any procedure you have done. And not just from the information doctors choose to give you. Get all the facts.
Many women thought they might be experiencing early menopause-or even symptoms of cancer-when it was nothing more than an unpleasant side effect of the shots. So check it all out before you agree to anything like this.
Even men, because you could be surprised, too.
This went on round the clock, month after month after month. And all I looked forward to were the shots the doctor thought would help. But I couldn't have those until all the testing was finished, and circumstances beyond my control caused that to take longer than it should.
Finally, about five months later, I went in for the first of a series of three shots over a month or so. I was offered an I.V. sedative but I've had enough I.V.'s in my life (pregnancy related) that it didn't seem like any shot could hurt that bad, so I said no. I'd just tough it out.
Wow. What an experience. Amazingly enough the shots did hurt. At least as bad as an I.V. But it wasn't anything I couldn't tolerate, and I didn't have to worry about feeling groggy the rest of the day. Or groggier than had become normal by that point.
Those first shots, one somewhere along the spine, and a second one in the bursa of my left hip were wonderful. Almost immediate pain relief. I was so happy I could have danced, but I knew better. Just because the pain was essentially gone didn't mean the injuries were.
When the shots wore off within ten days, I was discouraged. Relief from excruciating pain, only to have it return full force, only makes it feel worse. So I was a little skeptical for the next two appointments. With good reason because the next two sets didn't have any effect at all. On the pain.
They did, however, have a peachy little side effect no one bothered to mention. Can we say irregular periods? I don't know about you but just one regular four or five day period every month is more than enough for me.
Try nine in six months, each one lasting ten days to two weeks.
At first it scared the heck out of me and I started Googling it. Could there be a correlation between the steroid shots and what was going on? Yup. And it's fairly common, too, from what I was able to find. Common enough that it should have made the side-effect list they gave me.
I'm not sure what decision I'd have made had I known at the onset that the shots weren't going to help. Probably gone ahead and gotten them anyway. I was pretty desperate. At least now I don't have to weigh pain relief at the expense of half my life on a period.
Would I have more shots? Not a chance! I wasn't impressed with the three sets I had (all without I.V. sedation). I was even less impressed with what followed.
So why did I share this experience? Because you need to be informed about any procedure you have done. And not just from the information doctors choose to give you. Get all the facts.
Many women thought they might be experiencing early menopause-or even symptoms of cancer-when it was nothing more than an unpleasant side effect of the shots. So check it all out before you agree to anything like this.
Even men, because you could be surprised, too.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I don't know about you but I worry about the future more now than I did before. If, almost two years after my auto accident, I'm still in a great deal of pain, I'm still not able to do many of the things I used to do, and I'm still experiencing issues with the TBI and PTSD, what will life be like in five, ten and thirty years?
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'd Like to Wake Up Now
I spent the a good part of the afternoon reading blogs by other TBI victims. It was 'pleasantly' surprising to see that the things I still experience, after almost two years, aren't uncommon. One subject in particular really hit home.
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Just One of Those Weekends...
I've always loved family get-togethers but, since the accident, they're not as easy as they used to be. It's like any additional stress is like the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. All week I've been trying not to stress out about the annual family reunion today. Not that I wasn't looking forward to it in many ways because I was. But I also know what to expect from events now and I tend to dread them.
What do I expect? Extra work in getting food ready to take. Exhaustion from the drive to and from wherever the event is being held. Usually at least thirty minutes away. I'm not sure how bad it would be if I were doing the driving, although maybe it wouldn't be bad. At the rate it's going, who knows when I'll find out though.
There's also the event itself.
I can guarantee you that no one on the planet loves their family-the whole family-more than I do. But I have to force myself to mingle now. For one thing, standing up and walking around much hurts. A lot (though I have to say that walking is much easier than just standing in one place).
Then there's the fact that there is so much going on around me. Conversations, kids playing, games... Normal things. Yet things that tire me out beyond belief.
Fortunately I'm a big believer in the 'fake it until you make it' philosophy. If not for that, I'd always stay closed up in my office, where things are calm and quiet, easier to take. Very little stress. Except doing that wouldn't get me any closer to living the life I enjoyed before the head injury.
Even so, last night I started considering what excuses I might use for staying home. The possible reasons were running through my mind while I was preparing the casserole-because I knew if I waited until this morning, I'd be in too much pain to even pretend to be having a good time. As it stands, I think this is the second time in my life that I've not taken a dessert. The first time was last year...
So...
I just thought I'd share one of the many ways my accident and injuries have screwed up my life. Did I have a good time? Yes I did. I find that if I seek out one person and concentrate on that conversation, it's easier. Then I move to another. Today I stayed almost two and a half hours. That's quite awhile for me these days.
The stress from it, though, did make me realize that I'm going to stop posting blogs on the weekend. Since that's when most events take place, I need to keep them as stress free as possible, and the pressure of preparing for the reunion yesterday was too much.
What do I expect? Extra work in getting food ready to take. Exhaustion from the drive to and from wherever the event is being held. Usually at least thirty minutes away. I'm not sure how bad it would be if I were doing the driving, although maybe it wouldn't be bad. At the rate it's going, who knows when I'll find out though.
There's also the event itself.
I can guarantee you that no one on the planet loves their family-the whole family-more than I do. But I have to force myself to mingle now. For one thing, standing up and walking around much hurts. A lot (though I have to say that walking is much easier than just standing in one place).
Then there's the fact that there is so much going on around me. Conversations, kids playing, games... Normal things. Yet things that tire me out beyond belief.
Fortunately I'm a big believer in the 'fake it until you make it' philosophy. If not for that, I'd always stay closed up in my office, where things are calm and quiet, easier to take. Very little stress. Except doing that wouldn't get me any closer to living the life I enjoyed before the head injury.
Even so, last night I started considering what excuses I might use for staying home. The possible reasons were running through my mind while I was preparing the casserole-because I knew if I waited until this morning, I'd be in too much pain to even pretend to be having a good time. As it stands, I think this is the second time in my life that I've not taken a dessert. The first time was last year...
So...
I just thought I'd share one of the many ways my accident and injuries have screwed up my life. Did I have a good time? Yes I did. I find that if I seek out one person and concentrate on that conversation, it's easier. Then I move to another. Today I stayed almost two and a half hours. That's quite awhile for me these days.
The stress from it, though, did make me realize that I'm going to stop posting blogs on the weekend. Since that's when most events take place, I need to keep them as stress free as possible, and the pressure of preparing for the reunion yesterday was too much.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finding You
Life is hard after you've been injured in an auto accident. From the injuries themselves to just surviving day to day. It's hard. You're probably in pain-and a lot of it. If you throw a TBI in to the mix, then you may be experiencing difficulties in concentration, being overwhelmed by everything around you, even just trying to think.
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
You Just Never Know
A couple of nights ago I was telling a friend that I was 'doing' a blog. The purpose of the call was to see if she'd take a look at it and, if she liked it, email the link to all of her friends. As I was trying to work up to the request, I felt like I had to justify my reasons for starting it. I don't know why because she was very supportive of the idea. Still, the need to explain why I wanted to do it was strong.
In the five months before the accident, I wrote yet another book. From conception of the idea until I finished editing, it took about five weeks. I also wrote a short story for a national magazine contest, a couple of weeks before it happened, in fact. Since then, I've barely written anything, unless it was in the form of emails. So part of my home therapy, suggested by two separate therapists, is to write every day.
I also reminded her that one of my doctors suggested I write a book about my experiences. Which I've tried to do. In fact, I've written several chapters. They're much easier than trying to pen fiction now. But maybe it's because they feel like a diary rather than a book. So I thought, why not blog it instead.
As we chatted, my 'excuses' became more clear. Why not write this? It's applicable to many situations. Situations that have already happened, and situations that can happen in the future.
It really hit me, during that conversation, that the things I've learned, I wish I'd known about in the beginning. I'd never thought much about being involved in an accident. I certainly hadn't planned on it. Like, hmm. I wonder what I'll have to deal with if I ever get hit by some guy who runs a red light...
There's also the fact that I've always been a careful driver. One who obeys all the traffic laws because I believe laws were made to protect us all. I'm the one who wrote several letters to the editor about how out of control traffic violators are in our town. The one who went to at least one city council meeting to ask that something be done about it, because I wanted my kids-and all of their classmates-safe.
So why would I ever think I might be involved in an auto accident?
Who ever thinks they will though? Well, some people might. Like the idiots who go barreling through stop signs on country roads after dark-when you know darned well they saw you approaching. But that's beside the point.
The fact is, none of us ever expect it. The fact is, I wish I'd had someone to forewarn me of what was coming. Maybe then keeping my blood pressure under control wouldn't continue to be such a challenge (and it was never high before the accident so that's another thing to look forward to). I never knew my insurance claims rep would turn on me like a rabid dog. I'd never heard of things like interrogatories and IME's either.
So I'm not going to make excuses anymore. If my blogging helps you, then I've accomplished my purpose. If it doesn't, great. That means you're not where I am. Hopefully you won't ever be.
In the five months before the accident, I wrote yet another book. From conception of the idea until I finished editing, it took about five weeks. I also wrote a short story for a national magazine contest, a couple of weeks before it happened, in fact. Since then, I've barely written anything, unless it was in the form of emails. So part of my home therapy, suggested by two separate therapists, is to write every day.
I also reminded her that one of my doctors suggested I write a book about my experiences. Which I've tried to do. In fact, I've written several chapters. They're much easier than trying to pen fiction now. But maybe it's because they feel like a diary rather than a book. So I thought, why not blog it instead.
As we chatted, my 'excuses' became more clear. Why not write this? It's applicable to many situations. Situations that have already happened, and situations that can happen in the future.
It really hit me, during that conversation, that the things I've learned, I wish I'd known about in the beginning. I'd never thought much about being involved in an accident. I certainly hadn't planned on it. Like, hmm. I wonder what I'll have to deal with if I ever get hit by some guy who runs a red light...
There's also the fact that I've always been a careful driver. One who obeys all the traffic laws because I believe laws were made to protect us all. I'm the one who wrote several letters to the editor about how out of control traffic violators are in our town. The one who went to at least one city council meeting to ask that something be done about it, because I wanted my kids-and all of their classmates-safe.
So why would I ever think I might be involved in an auto accident?
Who ever thinks they will though? Well, some people might. Like the idiots who go barreling through stop signs on country roads after dark-when you know darned well they saw you approaching. But that's beside the point.
The fact is, none of us ever expect it. The fact is, I wish I'd had someone to forewarn me of what was coming. Maybe then keeping my blood pressure under control wouldn't continue to be such a challenge (and it was never high before the accident so that's another thing to look forward to). I never knew my insurance claims rep would turn on me like a rabid dog. I'd never heard of things like interrogatories and IME's either.
So I'm not going to make excuses anymore. If my blogging helps you, then I've accomplished my purpose. If it doesn't, great. That means you're not where I am. Hopefully you won't ever be.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
They Really Are On Your Side...
...as long as you're paying your premiums on time. The moment you have to make a claim, though, you cease to become a valued customer. Instead, there is a subtle and immediate shift to an 'us against them' stance.
The insurance claims representative assigned to 'help' you will appear to be friendly and concerned but, believe me, he or she is not. Some people take that kindness at face value. Probably the same people who would pet the nice little shark at Sea World, then wonder what happened to their hand. In much the same way they will be wondering what happened to the benefits they paid for and are entitled to.
Because you know what? You're no longer an asset to your insurance company. Before your auto accident, you helped to pay their wages and contribute to their retirement funds.
Now you're a drain on their resources. Profits stand to be lost. So the only goal that solicitous rep has is to keep those losses to a minimum. The more serious your injuries, the harder they will work to achieve that goal. And that means you, my friend, are about to get screwed.
If you're injuries aren't bad, they probably won't waste their time hassling you. At least not much. But be careful what you say anyway. Your claims rep is an expert at manipulating conversations in order to get you to say something they can later use against you. The most innocent words can be twisted to incriminate you, no matter that you're the victim. They don't care who was at fault. If they can pin any blame on you, factual or not, they will.
The only thing that matters to them is the company's bottom line. Anyone who is sucked in to believing their rep actually cares is making a grave error in judgment.
In your dealings with these people, there are two things that will help you.
First, don't say anything that isn't the absolute truth. Don't exaggerate your symptoms or losses. For one thing, lying brings with it the complication of trying to remember what you said later on. They're taking meticulous notes, possibly even recording your conversations, so you won't get away with it.
But if you are merely trying to fleece your insurance carrier, I guess you can say whatever you please. In that case, though, you deserve everything they throw at you. However, I think most people involved in auto accidents are like me. All we want is for our lives to get back to normal, and we expect the help we paid for. In good faith, trusting our carrier to make good on their promises.
But if you are merely trying to fleece your insurance carrier, I guess you can say whatever you please. In that case, though, you deserve everything they throw at you. However, I think most people involved in auto accidents are like me. All we want is for our lives to get back to normal, and we expect the help we paid for. In good faith, trusting our carrier to make good on their promises.
The second thing is just a reiteration of what I said a couple of paragraphs back. Always, always be truthful. But always think very carefully before you speak. Especially when answering their questions. If you don't understand exactly what they're asking, then ask them to rephrase or explain it more clearly. Like I said, they are masters at manipulating questions. If you're not paying attention, you just might give them the answer they're looking for.
I'm going to give you a silly example of how a poorly thought out answer can incriminate you if you're not careful.
"So, have you stopped beating your wife yet?"
The initial reaction would probably be, "No!" Because most men don't beat their wives and would hate for anyone to think they do. However, given the way the question was worded, saying no would mean they were still beating their wives.
On the other hand, if they thought about it for a split second, they might have picked up on 'have you stopped...' and answer yes. Of course that would make it sound as though they used to beat their wives.
The only correct response to that question, then, would be, "I've never beaten my wife."
So you can see how questions can be manipulated to get an initial gut reaction, although in my experience, claims reps are a bit more subtle than this. In most cases anyway.
About a month after the accident, my claims rep tried to suggest, in a round about way, that I was faking my injuries. Fortunately I was in too much pain, and exhausted from lack of sleep because of that pain, or my sarcastic tendencies could have landed me in a lot of hot water. Instead I responded with some of the anger I was struggling with at the time (and still struggle with today). I can't recall exactly how the conversation went but, at some point, I remember suggesting she hop in a car and let someone hit it at about 60 mph-then let me know how she was feeling.
So anyway, consider yourself warned. The moment your accident occurred, your insurance carrier became the enemy. Sounds a little dramatic, but once you've been dealing with it for awhile, you'll discover for yourself exactly how true that statement is.
You are now on your own. Prepare yourself for a battle that will only get worse the longer it takes you to recover. They have a big bag of tricks, designed to add to your misery, and I'll share more on that later.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Does Anyone Else See That Knife In My Back?
Yeah, I know. The title of today's post sounds a little paranoid, doesn't it? If you've ever been through the ordeal that follows an accident, you'll know that it does...with good reason. You learn fairly quickly to trust no one. (That had a James Bond-kind of tone, didn't it?)
Within the first few days following the 'incident,' as the insurance company prefers to call it, there were two significant instances that set me on the path to questioning the motives of many people I would come to meet.
For some reason, getting a copy of the accident report was high on the list of things I felt I needed to do that week. So as soon as it was ready, I paid the $5.00 fee, made sure I was listed as 100% blameless...and almost screamed when I read the part where the officer chose not to issue the man who hit me a ticket.
What???!!!
That must have been a mistake. A big one. But no. It was right there in black and white. The guy admitted he hadn't been paying attention, ran the red light and hit me. Witness reports confirmed the same thing, and their names and contact information were right there. In black and white.
But he doesn't get a ticket. Or a breathalyzer test?
This was about five o'clock on a sunny, dry October afternoon. An out-of-state visitor runs a red light and totals my van-and the officer doesn't even think to see if he'd been drinking? Doesn't give him a ticket?
Reading the last few sentences, you might get the idea that I'm still a little ticked off. And you'd be correct. I thought the police were there to protect the victims. Guess I was wrong.
The next thing involved the company the officer called to tow my van away. As I mentioned in the previous post, I hit my head hard enough that I blacked out for a short time. My thought processes left a little to be desired and I didn't think to ask where they were going to take the van. To the best of my recollection, I wasn't even asked where I wanted it taken, or I might have suggested my driveway.
Now here my thoughts are a little confused (a fairly common occurrence these days). I know the van wasn't in the tow company's yard for a full seventy-two hours but, when I realized that the bill was already sky-high, and they said the insurance company 'totaled' it, they helped me arrange for a friend of theirs-who just happened to own a scrap yard-to buy the van. The van with the full tank of gas, purchased at nearly $3.00 a gallon.
Long story short, I was backed in to a corner, with storage charges climbing every day. Not exactly in my budget. So I said fine-and got enough from the sale to pay about two-thirds of what I owed.
That was when I got my first look at the bill. Which included a $50.00 fee. My half of the costs for cleaning up the accident site. Only fair, the gentleman pointed out, since my oil and anti-freeze were all over the road, too. (I'd give you my honest opinion of that statement but it would involve the use of some heavy duty profanity and I'd rather not go there)
But let me tell you, paying that charge is at the top of my 'to-do' list. And I'll pay every cent of it, too. The very instant I get word that hell has, indeed, frozen over. Just so there's no confusion, on the off chance the owner of the towing company should happen to stumble on to this blog, I am referring to the biblical hell and not Hell, Michigan, which freezes over on a fairly regular basis in the winter.
Okay, I'll admit that this post turned in to a bit of a rant. But that doesn't alter the fact that if you were-or are ever-involved in an auto accident, be aware of the fact that, except for your loved ones, no one will be looking out for your best interests.
No one. Not the cop, not the towing company. And never, ever your insurance company. I'll cover more about that in my next post.
Why In The World Am I Blogging?
So others might learn from my experience.
This fall it will be two years since my involvement in an auto accident. Sometimes it feels like so much more time has passed because it doesn't seem possible that so much has happened in that length of time.
My journey started on a bright afternoon in early October 2008, as I was driving to the store to pick up lunch supplies for my son for the coming week.
Looking back, it's easy to say, gosh-if I'd just left two minutes earlier. Or two minutes later. If I'd taken a different route. If I'd done any of a number of other things, I wouldn't be sharing what I've learned with you now.
But I didn't.
And that placed me at a red light where a 'back road' crossed a busy highway. When my light turned green, I looked, saw a car stopped and stepped on my gas pedal. I don't think I made it as far as the light when I saw a white car flying toward me...and a split second later he hit the front of my van.
I've often wondered if the sound I heard was the impact of the car hitting my van, or if it was the sound my head made when it-and the left side of my body-slammed against the driver's side door. I lost consciousness for a short time and wasn't aware that, somehow, the guy managed to hit the van a second time, causing more damage then than he did with the initial hit.
There are things I don't recall immediately afterward, but some things stand out. Like getting out of the van and trying to assess the damage to my vehicle. I wasn't very steady on my feet and witnesses insisted I get back in the van. I also remember the officer at the scene trying to get me to get in the ambulance and I kept saying no, that he needed to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital.
Why wouldn't I ride in the ambulance? Because I hadn't shaved my legs. Stupid reason? Sure was. But when you've hit your head hard enough to be knocked out, you don't exactly think or reason as clearly as you otherwise might.
Not that the 'other side' will see it that way. Trust me, that line of muddled reasoning came back to bite me in the butt a few weeks ago. But that's a subject for another day.
So now you know the basics of what happened then. It's everything that's happened since that I'd like to share with you. So if you're going through something similar, you might be surprised at some the things I've learned. And let me tell you, I've learned far more than I ever wanted to know.
My very first lesson, which I discovered early in the game is this....under no circumstances should you trust anyone following an accident. I'll cover the reasons why in my next post.
This fall it will be two years since my involvement in an auto accident. Sometimes it feels like so much more time has passed because it doesn't seem possible that so much has happened in that length of time.
My journey started on a bright afternoon in early October 2008, as I was driving to the store to pick up lunch supplies for my son for the coming week.
Looking back, it's easy to say, gosh-if I'd just left two minutes earlier. Or two minutes later. If I'd taken a different route. If I'd done any of a number of other things, I wouldn't be sharing what I've learned with you now.
But I didn't.
And that placed me at a red light where a 'back road' crossed a busy highway. When my light turned green, I looked, saw a car stopped and stepped on my gas pedal. I don't think I made it as far as the light when I saw a white car flying toward me...and a split second later he hit the front of my van.
I've often wondered if the sound I heard was the impact of the car hitting my van, or if it was the sound my head made when it-and the left side of my body-slammed against the driver's side door. I lost consciousness for a short time and wasn't aware that, somehow, the guy managed to hit the van a second time, causing more damage then than he did with the initial hit.
There are things I don't recall immediately afterward, but some things stand out. Like getting out of the van and trying to assess the damage to my vehicle. I wasn't very steady on my feet and witnesses insisted I get back in the van. I also remember the officer at the scene trying to get me to get in the ambulance and I kept saying no, that he needed to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital.
Why wouldn't I ride in the ambulance? Because I hadn't shaved my legs. Stupid reason? Sure was. But when you've hit your head hard enough to be knocked out, you don't exactly think or reason as clearly as you otherwise might.
Not that the 'other side' will see it that way. Trust me, that line of muddled reasoning came back to bite me in the butt a few weeks ago. But that's a subject for another day.
So now you know the basics of what happened then. It's everything that's happened since that I'd like to share with you. So if you're going through something similar, you might be surprised at some the things I've learned. And let me tell you, I've learned far more than I ever wanted to know.
My very first lesson, which I discovered early in the game is this....under no circumstances should you trust anyone following an accident. I'll cover the reasons why in my next post.
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