A Word to Support People

Quite frankly, I feel kind of sorry for the people in my life sometimes.  And sometimes I don't.  No one ever expected the injuries from the accident to still be affecting me almost two years later.  But they are and it's about time they get used to it.  I've worked pretty hard these long months, and there are improvements.  I intend for there to continue to be improvements, too.

But a little help would really help in certain situations.

Take the quick-and long lasting-temper problems, for instance.  I've struggled with this issue all along.  I know it.  They know it.  So technically, since none of us likes it when it rears its ugly head, you'd think we'd all do whatever is necessary to avoid it.

There are a number of reasons that cause me to get to that point, but stress and unpleasantness are the two major offenders.  I am very aware of when it begins to get out of hand and I try to warn them. But on too many occasions it's like talking to the wall.  And then I'm the 'bad guy.'

And let me tell you, I can be very bad.  I'll shout, I'll cuss, I'll say things that I never would have said before the TBI and PTSD.  Things that horrify me even as I hear the ugly words spewing out of my mouth.  At some point I manage to clamp my jaws together because I'm so disgusted with myself, but the irritability can last for hours.  Unless I can get somewhere alone-with minimal noise, distractions and interruptions.

I hate this new part of my personality.  I fight against it all the time.  To the point where I spend a great deal of time alone in my office, avoiding talking to anyone...in person or on the telephone.  If I isolate myself, I can avoid all triggers, right?

But my question is why should I have to avoid them?   If I work hard to keep the monster in me under control, shouldn't the people in my life work hard to not irritate me?

In a perfect world, yeah.

But the world isn't perfect, is it?  We get used to life being this way, and when something happens to change a part of it, or in this case-a person, it's stressful for everyone involved.  We want things back the way they were.  We try to live life the same way we always have.  Maybe in hopes that if we keep trying to make it so, it will be so?

Maybe it can be.  Someday.  But if you're dealing with a TBI and/or PTSD victim, cut them a little slack, okay?  If you want things back to normal, it's going to take some time for your loved one to adjust and figure out new ways to handle things in his or her life.

If they give you a heads up that whatever is going on now is about to set them off, heed the warning!   Not only might it save you hours of misery, you'll earn some brownie points for compassion and understanding.  Because like it or not, understand it or not, that's exactly what we need sometimes.

Will you, the support person, get it right every time?  Nope.  But we, the victims, won't either.  All any of us can do is our best.  Keep trying, keep failing, keep winning some of the battles.  It's a learning process for everyone.

You just need to learn fast....try not to tick us off.  (smile, okay?)

They Really Are On Your Side...

...as long as you're paying your premiums on time.  The moment you have to make a claim, though, you cease to become a valued customer.  Instead, there is a subtle and immediate shift to an 'us against them' stance.

The insurance claims representative assigned to 'help' you will appear to be friendly and concerned but, believe me, he or she is not.  Some people take that kindness at face value.  Probably the same people who would pet the nice little shark at Sea World, then wonder what happened to their hand.  In much the same way they will be wondering what happened to the benefits they paid for and are entitled to.

Because you know what?  You're no longer an asset to your insurance company.  Before your auto accident, you helped to pay their wages and contribute to their retirement funds.

Now you're a drain on their resources.  Profits stand to be lost.  So the only goal that solicitous rep has is to keep those losses to a minimum.  The more serious your injuries, the harder they will work to achieve that goal.  And that means you, my friend, are about to get screwed.

If you're injuries aren't bad, they probably won't waste their time hassling you.  At least not much.  But be careful what you say anyway.  Your claims rep is an expert at manipulating conversations in order to get you to say something they can later use against you.  The most innocent words can be twisted to incriminate you, no matter that you're the victim.  They don't care who was at fault.  If they can pin any blame on you, factual or not, they will.

The only thing that matters to them is the company's bottom line.  Anyone who is sucked in to believing their rep actually cares is making a grave error in judgment.

In your dealings with these people, there are two things that will help you.

First, don't say anything that isn't the absolute truth.  Don't exaggerate your symptoms or losses.  For one thing, lying brings with it the complication of trying to remember what you said later on.  They're taking meticulous notes, possibly even recording your conversations, so you won't get away with it.  


But if you are merely trying to fleece your insurance carrier, I guess you can say whatever you please.  In that case, though, you deserve everything they throw at you.  However, I think most people involved in auto accidents are like me.  All we want is for our lives to get back to normal, and we expect the help we paid for.  In good faith, trusting our carrier to make good on their promises.

The second thing is just a reiteration of what I said a couple of paragraphs back.   Always, always be truthful.  But always think very carefully before you speak.  Especially when answering their questions.  If you don't understand exactly what they're asking, then ask them to rephrase or explain it more clearly.  Like I said, they are masters at manipulating questions.  If you're not paying attention, you just might give them the answer they're looking for.

I'm going to give you a silly example of how a poorly thought out answer can incriminate you if you're not careful. 

"So, have you stopped beating your wife yet?"

The initial reaction would probably be, "No!"  Because most men don't beat their wives and would hate for anyone to think they do.  However, given the way the question was worded, saying no would mean they were still beating their wives.

On the other hand, if they thought about it for a split second, they might have picked up on 'have you stopped...'  and answer yes.  Of course that would make it sound as though they used to beat their wives.

The only correct response to that question, then, would be, "I've never beaten my wife."

So you can see how questions can be manipulated to get an initial gut reaction, although in my experience, claims reps are a bit more subtle than this.  In most cases anyway.

About a month after the accident, my claims rep tried to suggest, in a round about way, that I was faking my injuries.  Fortunately I was in too much pain, and exhausted from lack of sleep because of that pain, or my sarcastic tendencies could have landed me in a lot of hot water.  Instead I responded with some of the anger I was struggling with at the time (and still struggle with today).  I can't recall exactly how the conversation went but, at some point, I remember suggesting she hop in a car and let someone hit it at about 60 mph-then let me know how she was feeling.

So anyway, consider yourself warned.  The moment your accident occurred, your insurance carrier became the enemy.  Sounds a little dramatic, but once you've been dealing with it for awhile, you'll discover for yourself exactly how true that statement is.   

You are now on your own.  Prepare yourself for a battle that will only get worse the longer it takes you to recover.  They have a big bag of tricks, designed to add to your misery, and I'll share more on that later.