IME doctors try to blame my new tendency toward depression on my life prior to the accident. Not sure how exactly they come up with that, but regardless, it's sure a problem now. And something I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks. First the exhaustion from the reunion, followed by an ongoing crisis involving a fairly close family member and, finally, a lovely summer cold (bad enough that my mom didn't recognize my voice when she called about twelve hours after first realizing I was sick).
Before the accident I tried to strive for contentment. Not that I didn't have really happy moments, or really down moments-I think that's just the way it is for most people.
Did I get depressed? Yeah, sometimes I did. I spent most of 2002/2003 extremely depressed. Of course my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it. So I'm fairly confident in assuming that was normal. And I'm sure that that's playing a huge role in the worsening of this TBI/PTSD-related depression because August 30th will be the seven year anniversary of his death.
It's funny that before the accident the only three 'events' that made me sad were his birthday, my birthday and Christmas. For whatever reason, the anniversary didn't bother me much at all. But the past two years August has been very difficult to get through.
Anyway, between that, all that's happened this month, and the fact that I no longer am able to get treatment for anything (thanks to the IME reports), I'm having a tough time lately. The ability to 'bounce back' just isn't there right now.
I can't help but wonder if it's like this for all TBI/PTSD victims. If it will ever go away, or if there's anything I can do to get it out of my life. Being more of a vitamin, herb, natural cures kind of person, it's dismaying to realize that I really miss my antidepressant. And the counseling.
Is there a purpose for today's blog? Probably not. I think it's more to try and explain the sudden lack of posts than anything else. It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for anything when you're exhausted, don't feel good, are missing your dad....and wonder if what you're stuck with post-accident is what you're....well stuck with.
After almost two years, that would appear to be the case.
Showing posts with label TBI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TBI. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What a Week!
Exhaustion and depression aren't picnics on their own but, add the two together, and life becomes really hard.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thank God it's Friday!
The past two summers have been so hard to live through. Like I mentioned yesterday, I've never liked this season. But it's so much worse now. When you never feel good, or rested, and the weather already makes you feel drained, it makes each day just that much harder to get through.
But only two more days of the extreme heat and humidity before the promised break is supposed to arrive- 10-day forecast for mostly seventies. And then there will hopefully we'll see an end to complaints from me. Until the next round of eighties and nineties anyway.
Just thinking about it makes me want to swear...
Which brings me to the subject of this post. Am I the only TBI'er (saw that the other day and liked it) who never used to cuss much but, after the injury, cussed so much that it was almost a second language? Talk about a personality change I despise! Once I get started it's like I have no control. Like there's a target number of times I have to swear before it's out of my system.
Anyone remember Fonzie? I think I'm like him in that I don't like to say I'm sorry. Not because I think I'm too cool but because if I have to apologize, it's because I've done something to hurt or offend someone. And I don't like doing that to anyone. Well, except for the insurance claims reps, their lawyers and the IME doctors. If I can offend them in any little way, I feel like I should be nominated for an award.
But back to the topic.... When you've just polluted the air with a steady stream of profanity, you have to apologize. Because you have offended anyone in hearing distance. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of saying I'm sorry.
Of course this goes hand-in-hand with some of the other subjects I've written about. Too much stress, too much pressure, etc... It's always set off because of situations I have trouble handling now. And it gives me yet another reason to stay holed up alone in my office for most of every day. If you avoid the triggers, you avoid the bad responses. The only problem is, you also avoid life.
I like my office just fine, but it's beginning to feel like a prison. Yes, I choose to hide here far more often than not, but it's only choosing the lesser of two evils. Isolate myself or risk blowing a gasket and making all the truckers blush. (For those wondering what in the world I mean by that last statement, it's just a way we describe hard core profanity users in our little corner of the world)
So again...am I the only one? If not, what are you trying to do to control your language? Are you having any success with whatever it is you're doing?
But only two more days of the extreme heat and humidity before the promised break is supposed to arrive- 10-day forecast for mostly seventies. And then there will hopefully we'll see an end to complaints from me. Until the next round of eighties and nineties anyway.
Just thinking about it makes me want to swear...
Which brings me to the subject of this post. Am I the only TBI'er (saw that the other day and liked it) who never used to cuss much but, after the injury, cussed so much that it was almost a second language? Talk about a personality change I despise! Once I get started it's like I have no control. Like there's a target number of times I have to swear before it's out of my system.
Anyone remember Fonzie? I think I'm like him in that I don't like to say I'm sorry. Not because I think I'm too cool but because if I have to apologize, it's because I've done something to hurt or offend someone. And I don't like doing that to anyone. Well, except for the insurance claims reps, their lawyers and the IME doctors. If I can offend them in any little way, I feel like I should be nominated for an award.
But back to the topic.... When you've just polluted the air with a steady stream of profanity, you have to apologize. Because you have offended anyone in hearing distance. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of saying I'm sorry.
Of course this goes hand-in-hand with some of the other subjects I've written about. Too much stress, too much pressure, etc... It's always set off because of situations I have trouble handling now. And it gives me yet another reason to stay holed up alone in my office for most of every day. If you avoid the triggers, you avoid the bad responses. The only problem is, you also avoid life.
I like my office just fine, but it's beginning to feel like a prison. Yes, I choose to hide here far more often than not, but it's only choosing the lesser of two evils. Isolate myself or risk blowing a gasket and making all the truckers blush. (For those wondering what in the world I mean by that last statement, it's just a way we describe hard core profanity users in our little corner of the world)
So again...am I the only one? If not, what are you trying to do to control your language? Are you having any success with whatever it is you're doing?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I don't know about you but I worry about the future more now than I did before. If, almost two years after my auto accident, I'm still in a great deal of pain, I'm still not able to do many of the things I used to do, and I'm still experiencing issues with the TBI and PTSD, what will life be like in five, ten and thirty years?
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'd Like to Wake Up Now
I spent the a good part of the afternoon reading blogs by other TBI victims. It was 'pleasantly' surprising to see that the things I still experience, after almost two years, aren't uncommon. One subject in particular really hit home.
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
Friday, August 6, 2010
More on PTSD
After researching the PTST/TBI subject the other day, one phrase just keeps coming back to bug me. That would be the one that went something along the lines of, "constant, relentless stress" will make PTSD symptoms worse.
Amazingly enough, that's exactly what your insurance company causes. I don't know about you but being forced to endure IME's ('independent' medical evaluations), when you know their doctors are going to say you're perfectly fine (in other words, lie), is extremely stressful.
Having to deal with all of their paperwork, which they usually 'don't receive,' or 'lose,' is also very stressful. Just a suggestion here, fax them in with a short cover letter that includes a 'cc' to your attorney. Surprisingly enough, they manage to hold on to them a little better when you do that. At least that's what I've found over the past couple of years.
Holding up approval on treatments, or items you might need for your recovery is also another way they work to cause you additional stress.
But so far the thing that sends me over the top are their interrogatories. If you haven't yet experienced that treat, prepare yourself for some serious anger. They are a collection of the most intrusive, obnoxious and rude questions I've ever had the misfortune to read. Basically, if your benefits are canceled-and you want them back-you're going to have to suck it up and answer every one of them.
My company demanded access to several years records of my bank statements and income tax returns, all of my medical records, and information that is absolutely none of their business. One of the most offensive ones wanted the make, model, year and VIN number of the vehicles belonging to anyone who might have stayed overnight at my house during the six month prior to the accident. Not only that, but they expected me to provide the insurance company address and policy number on the cars for each of those guests.
Excuse me???!!!
Just thinking about it is enough to make my temper flare. Of course I didn't provide the information. In the same way I didn't provide the names and contact information for the doctors who have treated me since the accident. Or the amounts of the bills either. Instead I referred them to their computer files, where they already have that information.
Why did I share this with you? Because if you, too, suffer from PTSD caused by an accident, your insurance company doctors will deny it exists, while the company employees go out of their way to make it worse. Their goal is to stress you out badly enough, make you so miserable, that you'll give up and walk away...from the benefits you paid for.
And all insurance companies do this. Some are worse than others. My case manager told me that she has worked with a lot of companies during her career and that mine was the second worst one she'd ever dealt with. Lucky me, huh?
Amazingly enough, that's exactly what your insurance company causes. I don't know about you but being forced to endure IME's ('independent' medical evaluations), when you know their doctors are going to say you're perfectly fine (in other words, lie), is extremely stressful.
Having to deal with all of their paperwork, which they usually 'don't receive,' or 'lose,' is also very stressful. Just a suggestion here, fax them in with a short cover letter that includes a 'cc' to your attorney. Surprisingly enough, they manage to hold on to them a little better when you do that. At least that's what I've found over the past couple of years.
Holding up approval on treatments, or items you might need for your recovery is also another way they work to cause you additional stress.
But so far the thing that sends me over the top are their interrogatories. If you haven't yet experienced that treat, prepare yourself for some serious anger. They are a collection of the most intrusive, obnoxious and rude questions I've ever had the misfortune to read. Basically, if your benefits are canceled-and you want them back-you're going to have to suck it up and answer every one of them.
My company demanded access to several years records of my bank statements and income tax returns, all of my medical records, and information that is absolutely none of their business. One of the most offensive ones wanted the make, model, year and VIN number of the vehicles belonging to anyone who might have stayed overnight at my house during the six month prior to the accident. Not only that, but they expected me to provide the insurance company address and policy number on the cars for each of those guests.
Excuse me???!!!
Just thinking about it is enough to make my temper flare. Of course I didn't provide the information. In the same way I didn't provide the names and contact information for the doctors who have treated me since the accident. Or the amounts of the bills either. Instead I referred them to their computer files, where they already have that information.
Why did I share this with you? Because if you, too, suffer from PTSD caused by an accident, your insurance company doctors will deny it exists, while the company employees go out of their way to make it worse. Their goal is to stress you out badly enough, make you so miserable, that you'll give up and walk away...from the benefits you paid for.
And all insurance companies do this. Some are worse than others. My case manager told me that she has worked with a lot of companies during her career and that mine was the second worst one she'd ever dealt with. Lucky me, huh?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A Word to Support People
Quite frankly, I feel kind of sorry for the people in my life sometimes. And sometimes I don't. No one ever expected the injuries from the accident to still be affecting me almost two years later. But they are and it's about time they get used to it. I've worked pretty hard these long months, and there are improvements. I intend for there to continue to be improvements, too.
But a little help would really help in certain situations.
Take the quick-and long lasting-temper problems, for instance. I've struggled with this issue all along. I know it. They know it. So technically, since none of us likes it when it rears its ugly head, you'd think we'd all do whatever is necessary to avoid it.
There are a number of reasons that cause me to get to that point, but stress and unpleasantness are the two major offenders. I am very aware of when it begins to get out of hand and I try to warn them. But on too many occasions it's like talking to the wall. And then I'm the 'bad guy.'
And let me tell you, I can be very bad. I'll shout, I'll cuss, I'll say things that I never would have said before the TBI and PTSD. Things that horrify me even as I hear the ugly words spewing out of my mouth. At some point I manage to clamp my jaws together because I'm so disgusted with myself, but the irritability can last for hours. Unless I can get somewhere alone-with minimal noise, distractions and interruptions.
I hate this new part of my personality. I fight against it all the time. To the point where I spend a great deal of time alone in my office, avoiding talking to anyone...in person or on the telephone. If I isolate myself, I can avoid all triggers, right?
But my question is why should I have to avoid them? If I work hard to keep the monster in me under control, shouldn't the people in my life work hard to not irritate me?
In a perfect world, yeah.
But the world isn't perfect, is it? We get used to life being this way, and when something happens to change a part of it, or in this case-a person, it's stressful for everyone involved. We want things back the way they were. We try to live life the same way we always have. Maybe in hopes that if we keep trying to make it so, it will be so?
Maybe it can be. Someday. But if you're dealing with a TBI and/or PTSD victim, cut them a little slack, okay? If you want things back to normal, it's going to take some time for your loved one to adjust and figure out new ways to handle things in his or her life.
If they give you a heads up that whatever is going on now is about to set them off, heed the warning! Not only might it save you hours of misery, you'll earn some brownie points for compassion and understanding. Because like it or not, understand it or not, that's exactly what we need sometimes.
Will you, the support person, get it right every time? Nope. But we, the victims, won't either. All any of us can do is our best. Keep trying, keep failing, keep winning some of the battles. It's a learning process for everyone.
You just need to learn fast....try not to tick us off. (smile, okay?)
But a little help would really help in certain situations.
Take the quick-and long lasting-temper problems, for instance. I've struggled with this issue all along. I know it. They know it. So technically, since none of us likes it when it rears its ugly head, you'd think we'd all do whatever is necessary to avoid it.
There are a number of reasons that cause me to get to that point, but stress and unpleasantness are the two major offenders. I am very aware of when it begins to get out of hand and I try to warn them. But on too many occasions it's like talking to the wall. And then I'm the 'bad guy.'
And let me tell you, I can be very bad. I'll shout, I'll cuss, I'll say things that I never would have said before the TBI and PTSD. Things that horrify me even as I hear the ugly words spewing out of my mouth. At some point I manage to clamp my jaws together because I'm so disgusted with myself, but the irritability can last for hours. Unless I can get somewhere alone-with minimal noise, distractions and interruptions.
I hate this new part of my personality. I fight against it all the time. To the point where I spend a great deal of time alone in my office, avoiding talking to anyone...in person or on the telephone. If I isolate myself, I can avoid all triggers, right?
But my question is why should I have to avoid them? If I work hard to keep the monster in me under control, shouldn't the people in my life work hard to not irritate me?
In a perfect world, yeah.
But the world isn't perfect, is it? We get used to life being this way, and when something happens to change a part of it, or in this case-a person, it's stressful for everyone involved. We want things back the way they were. We try to live life the same way we always have. Maybe in hopes that if we keep trying to make it so, it will be so?
Maybe it can be. Someday. But if you're dealing with a TBI and/or PTSD victim, cut them a little slack, okay? If you want things back to normal, it's going to take some time for your loved one to adjust and figure out new ways to handle things in his or her life.
If they give you a heads up that whatever is going on now is about to set them off, heed the warning! Not only might it save you hours of misery, you'll earn some brownie points for compassion and understanding. Because like it or not, understand it or not, that's exactly what we need sometimes.
Will you, the support person, get it right every time? Nope. But we, the victims, won't either. All any of us can do is our best. Keep trying, keep failing, keep winning some of the battles. It's a learning process for everyone.
You just need to learn fast....try not to tick us off. (smile, okay?)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finding You
Life is hard after you've been injured in an auto accident. From the injuries themselves to just surviving day to day. It's hard. You're probably in pain-and a lot of it. If you throw a TBI in to the mix, then you may be experiencing difficulties in concentration, being overwhelmed by everything around you, even just trying to think.
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
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