Exhaustion and depression aren't picnics on their own but, add the two together, and life becomes really hard.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A Residual Effect
Even though it's been almost two years, I haven't been given the go ahead to drive again. My occupational therapist set me up with a driving instructor they use for people with TBI's. The gentleman thought I would benefit from 6-8 sessions, then be good to go. Except, thanks to the results of insurance company enforced IME's, my coverage was canceled after the first one. And so I continue to remain a passenger.
Now I'm not sure if this particular effect would be better or worse if I were at the wheel, but I get very nervous at intersections now. Especially when people approaching stop signs and lights are traveling too fast and wait until the last minute to slam on the brakes. This happened today on the way to the grocery store and, per usual, it scared the heck out of me. I hate that. One, it is frightening and two, it annoys whoever is chauffeuring me around. It makes them think they're about to be plowed in to.
That got me thinking about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) diagnosis. IME doctors will likely insist that you don't have it-at least the ones I've seen have-but it is a very real problem in auto accident victims. Well, many different kinds of victims experience PSTD but, for the purpose of this blog, we'll stick with the accident part of it.
Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, insomnia, depression, avoidance, immersion, hyperarousal (anger/irritability), fear, anxiety... The list goes on.
They say the person suffering from PSTD is often the last to know, and that certainly was true in my case. I'd been under the impression that symptoms were limited to flashbacks and nightmares. Fortunately the nightmares never happened to me, but then when you only sleep 3-4 hours in every 24-hour period, especially when physical pain wakes you often, nightmares don't have much chance to bother you. The flashback experience has always been limited to intersections. Not every intersection, just in situations like I described above. And then I always brace myself for the impact of their vehicle hitting the one I'm in. But I just assumed that was a normal reaction following an accident.
My doctor is the one who first suspected it, along with the head injury. As soon as I got home that day, I started Googling PSTD and, sure enough, many of the symptoms described what I was going through. Feeling emotionally numb, except for a quick and foul temper, were things I'd already mentioned to the doctor because they were not 'me.'
I hated the fact that my temper could get out of control for little or no reason. From a state of numbness to absolute fury in the space of a split second. Even more I hated my reaction when, almost seven months after the accident, an aunt, whom I loved dearly, passed away. I am, or used to be, the kind of person who would cry the very second I saw a tear in someone else's eye during times like that. No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, one tear is all it would take. When she died I didn't feel anything. Except disgust with myself. Intellectually I knew I loved her, I knew I should be blubbering like a baby, that it should hurt but...I just felt numb.
Too many things on the list are issues I deal with now, and I won't go in to them because it would take too long. But I would encourage anyone suffering from PTSD to educate themselves on the subject. The more you know, the more you know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.
I've added a link on the left for a website I found to be well written and very informative. It deals mostly with Vietnam veterans, but applies to anyone with the disorder. If you want to know more, it's a great place to learn.
Now I'm not sure if this particular effect would be better or worse if I were at the wheel, but I get very nervous at intersections now. Especially when people approaching stop signs and lights are traveling too fast and wait until the last minute to slam on the brakes. This happened today on the way to the grocery store and, per usual, it scared the heck out of me. I hate that. One, it is frightening and two, it annoys whoever is chauffeuring me around. It makes them think they're about to be plowed in to.
That got me thinking about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) diagnosis. IME doctors will likely insist that you don't have it-at least the ones I've seen have-but it is a very real problem in auto accident victims. Well, many different kinds of victims experience PSTD but, for the purpose of this blog, we'll stick with the accident part of it.
Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, insomnia, depression, avoidance, immersion, hyperarousal (anger/irritability), fear, anxiety... The list goes on.
They say the person suffering from PSTD is often the last to know, and that certainly was true in my case. I'd been under the impression that symptoms were limited to flashbacks and nightmares. Fortunately the nightmares never happened to me, but then when you only sleep 3-4 hours in every 24-hour period, especially when physical pain wakes you often, nightmares don't have much chance to bother you. The flashback experience has always been limited to intersections. Not every intersection, just in situations like I described above. And then I always brace myself for the impact of their vehicle hitting the one I'm in. But I just assumed that was a normal reaction following an accident.
My doctor is the one who first suspected it, along with the head injury. As soon as I got home that day, I started Googling PSTD and, sure enough, many of the symptoms described what I was going through. Feeling emotionally numb, except for a quick and foul temper, were things I'd already mentioned to the doctor because they were not 'me.'
I hated the fact that my temper could get out of control for little or no reason. From a state of numbness to absolute fury in the space of a split second. Even more I hated my reaction when, almost seven months after the accident, an aunt, whom I loved dearly, passed away. I am, or used to be, the kind of person who would cry the very second I saw a tear in someone else's eye during times like that. No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, one tear is all it would take. When she died I didn't feel anything. Except disgust with myself. Intellectually I knew I loved her, I knew I should be blubbering like a baby, that it should hurt but...I just felt numb.
Too many things on the list are issues I deal with now, and I won't go in to them because it would take too long. But I would encourage anyone suffering from PTSD to educate themselves on the subject. The more you know, the more you know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.
I've added a link on the left for a website I found to be well written and very informative. It deals mostly with Vietnam veterans, but applies to anyone with the disorder. If you want to know more, it's a great place to learn.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finding You
Life is hard after you've been injured in an auto accident. From the injuries themselves to just surviving day to day. It's hard. You're probably in pain-and a lot of it. If you throw a TBI in to the mix, then you may be experiencing difficulties in concentration, being overwhelmed by everything around you, even just trying to think.
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
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