Even though it's been almost two years, I haven't been given the go ahead to drive again. My occupational therapist set me up with a driving instructor they use for people with TBI's. The gentleman thought I would benefit from 6-8 sessions, then be good to go. Except, thanks to the results of insurance company enforced IME's, my coverage was canceled after the first one. And so I continue to remain a passenger.
Now I'm not sure if this particular effect would be better or worse if I were at the wheel, but I get very nervous at intersections now. Especially when people approaching stop signs and lights are traveling too fast and wait until the last minute to slam on the brakes. This happened today on the way to the grocery store and, per usual, it scared the heck out of me. I hate that. One, it is frightening and two, it annoys whoever is chauffeuring me around. It makes them think they're about to be plowed in to.
That got me thinking about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) diagnosis. IME doctors will likely insist that you don't have it-at least the ones I've seen have-but it is a very real problem in auto accident victims. Well, many different kinds of victims experience PSTD but, for the purpose of this blog, we'll stick with the accident part of it.
Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, insomnia, depression, avoidance, immersion, hyperarousal (anger/irritability), fear, anxiety... The list goes on.
They say the person suffering from PSTD is often the last to know, and that certainly was true in my case. I'd been under the impression that symptoms were limited to flashbacks and nightmares. Fortunately the nightmares never happened to me, but then when you only sleep 3-4 hours in every 24-hour period, especially when physical pain wakes you often, nightmares don't have much chance to bother you. The flashback experience has always been limited to intersections. Not every intersection, just in situations like I described above. And then I always brace myself for the impact of their vehicle hitting the one I'm in. But I just assumed that was a normal reaction following an accident.
My doctor is the one who first suspected it, along with the head injury. As soon as I got home that day, I started Googling PSTD and, sure enough, many of the symptoms described what I was going through. Feeling emotionally numb, except for a quick and foul temper, were things I'd already mentioned to the doctor because they were not 'me.'
I hated the fact that my temper could get out of control for little or no reason. From a state of numbness to absolute fury in the space of a split second. Even more I hated my reaction when, almost seven months after the accident, an aunt, whom I loved dearly, passed away. I am, or used to be, the kind of person who would cry the very second I saw a tear in someone else's eye during times like that. No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, one tear is all it would take. When she died I didn't feel anything. Except disgust with myself. Intellectually I knew I loved her, I knew I should be blubbering like a baby, that it should hurt but...I just felt numb.
Too many things on the list are issues I deal with now, and I won't go in to them because it would take too long. But I would encourage anyone suffering from PTSD to educate themselves on the subject. The more you know, the more you know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.
I've added a link on the left for a website I found to be well written and very informative. It deals mostly with Vietnam veterans, but applies to anyone with the disorder. If you want to know more, it's a great place to learn.
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