IME doctors try to blame my new tendency toward depression on my life prior to the accident. Not sure how exactly they come up with that, but regardless, it's sure a problem now. And something I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks. First the exhaustion from the reunion, followed by an ongoing crisis involving a fairly close family member and, finally, a lovely summer cold (bad enough that my mom didn't recognize my voice when she called about twelve hours after first realizing I was sick).
Before the accident I tried to strive for contentment. Not that I didn't have really happy moments, or really down moments-I think that's just the way it is for most people.
Did I get depressed? Yeah, sometimes I did. I spent most of 2002/2003 extremely depressed. Of course my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it. So I'm fairly confident in assuming that was normal. And I'm sure that that's playing a huge role in the worsening of this TBI/PTSD-related depression because August 30th will be the seven year anniversary of his death.
It's funny that before the accident the only three 'events' that made me sad were his birthday, my birthday and Christmas. For whatever reason, the anniversary didn't bother me much at all. But the past two years August has been very difficult to get through.
Anyway, between that, all that's happened this month, and the fact that I no longer am able to get treatment for anything (thanks to the IME reports), I'm having a tough time lately. The ability to 'bounce back' just isn't there right now.
I can't help but wonder if it's like this for all TBI/PTSD victims. If it will ever go away, or if there's anything I can do to get it out of my life. Being more of a vitamin, herb, natural cures kind of person, it's dismaying to realize that I really miss my antidepressant. And the counseling.
Is there a purpose for today's blog? Probably not. I think it's more to try and explain the sudden lack of posts than anything else. It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for anything when you're exhausted, don't feel good, are missing your dad....and wonder if what you're stuck with post-accident is what you're....well stuck with.
After almost two years, that would appear to be the case.
Hi Kristy,
ReplyDeleteThere is a very important purpose for this and every post, your experience is invaluable and sharing your story is sacred, in my opinion.
I've been thinking of you and am sorry for not replying sooner. I seemed to have misplaced this week, or at least a couple of days!
It is shocking to find it was just Monday and before I was ready, now it's Friday.
Depression with TBI and PTSD are common, very, very common. The retired Social Worker at rehab explained depression and sadness to me as this:
Sadness/sorrow is where you are experienced a loss of a loved one, pet, etc., but can still smile at something heartwarming.
Depression, she had heard one of her clients describe, is where everything is seen through black, like being wrapped in black cloth or plastic.
Her explanation made a lot of sense to me.
In June I wrote about depression, this may be of help to at least know you're not alone:
http://thefightofmylife.blogspot.com/2010/06/depression.html
I am completely the holistic, natural sort and it literally took all my care providers doing an intervention for me to catch a clue! They explained this wasn't anything other than a chemical, organic change to the brain.
As you're not at-fault, is a lawsuit something to be considered? Do you have medical insurance to help pay for the meds you need?
The hospital in Bremerton did not charge us to see the Social Worker, is that maybe an option? Is there an in-person TBI support group you could get connected to?
You need an advocate and support. Have you contacted your state Brain Injury Assocation? (I know these are a lot of questions and a whole big ol' can of worms, I'm sorry.)
I do hope in the midst of this heart storm you get the help you need - that in itself is a HUGE struggle and fight.
It is a noble and worthy fight because your needs and life matter. No one can tell you otherwise.