...even when you're not having fun.
For anyone who read my previous blogs, you know that I was dealing with an end to my treatments and antidepressants, and I didn't deal with the effects very well. Especially given some of the things that happened in the last four months of 2010. By far the worst was the death of my oldest daughter in early December. On top of the relentless depression, pain, legal battles to reinstate my benefits, and continuing fatigue, I wasn't good for much of anything the past several weeks either.
So why am I posting tonight? (rather at 3:16 a.m.)
I don't really know. I'm still awake because the disruption in my sleep continues. And I had long since forgotten about the blog in light of everything that's happened over the course of the past six months. But I stumbled onto the link a little while ago and read through all the posts again. Wow, some of the typos were pretty glaring!
One thing that stood out like a neon sign is that I started the blog on my oldest daughter's birthday. Maybe that means something. Or maybe it just means that seeing 'July 28' brought her to mind and that I miss her and wish she were still here.
I harbor a lot of anger over this. Not at her. As always, it's aimed directly my insurance company-and everyone who played a part in this..
Because of them and their low life IME doctors, my coverage stopped. My treatments stopped. My antidepressants stopped. My medical support system stopped.
Amazingly enough, all the effects of from the accident hung right in there. Including my inability to drive. Mostly because I haven't been released to do so, even after almost two and a half years. Partly because there are some depth perception issues, a five or six week issue with double vision (related to the eye injury), and who knows what all.
Because of all of this, I wasn't able to drive across the state to see my daughter in November when she had major, dangerous surgery. I wasn't able to make the drive when, a couple weeks later, she was admitted back in the hospital because of complications from the surgery. Or when she had yet another surgery to try to repair the damage about ten days later. I did talk to her on the phone a few times throughout all of this, but not for long periods of time. We had some issues we were trying to work on. Partly because of something she did, and partly because of the anger and unforgiveness that became such a huge part of me following the head injury.
I thought there would be time to work it out with her. After I got my benefits back and got better. I never entertained the thought that time would run out.
But it did.
So in addition to the anger and grief, I also find that the guilt is sometimes unbearable.
Add to that mix a now intense hatred toward the insurance company reps, lawyers and IME doctors. I was getting better with all the therapies. If they'd followed through on their obligation to provide me with the services I paid for, the odds are good that I'd have been driving long before her first surgery rolled around. In fact, I'd just had the first of eight 'lessons' with a driving instructor trained in working with people with head injuries when the benefits were cut off.
That was eleven months before she died. I might have gotten to see my daughter before she died but for them so yeah, I hate them passionately.
Nice upbeat blog tonight, huh?
There is a moral to the story though. No matter how hard life is after a head injury, no matter how much anger you're capable of harboring, try to direct it away from people you care about. No matter how much you might be hurt by something, if you're like me, you're not so far gone that the guilt won't get to you, too.
And more importantly, the world does not revolve around you and your problems, no matter how much they affect your life now. Unless your injury was so catastrophic that there's nothing of the old you left. The love you feel for others is still there, deeply as it might be buried.
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