IME doctors try to blame my new tendency toward depression on my life prior to the accident. Not sure how exactly they come up with that, but regardless, it's sure a problem now. And something I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks. First the exhaustion from the reunion, followed by an ongoing crisis involving a fairly close family member and, finally, a lovely summer cold (bad enough that my mom didn't recognize my voice when she called about twelve hours after first realizing I was sick).
Before the accident I tried to strive for contentment. Not that I didn't have really happy moments, or really down moments-I think that's just the way it is for most people.
Did I get depressed? Yeah, sometimes I did. I spent most of 2002/2003 extremely depressed. Of course my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it. So I'm fairly confident in assuming that was normal. And I'm sure that that's playing a huge role in the worsening of this TBI/PTSD-related depression because August 30th will be the seven year anniversary of his death.
It's funny that before the accident the only three 'events' that made me sad were his birthday, my birthday and Christmas. For whatever reason, the anniversary didn't bother me much at all. But the past two years August has been very difficult to get through.
Anyway, between that, all that's happened this month, and the fact that I no longer am able to get treatment for anything (thanks to the IME reports), I'm having a tough time lately. The ability to 'bounce back' just isn't there right now.
I can't help but wonder if it's like this for all TBI/PTSD victims. If it will ever go away, or if there's anything I can do to get it out of my life. Being more of a vitamin, herb, natural cures kind of person, it's dismaying to realize that I really miss my antidepressant. And the counseling.
Is there a purpose for today's blog? Probably not. I think it's more to try and explain the sudden lack of posts than anything else. It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for anything when you're exhausted, don't feel good, are missing your dad....and wonder if what you're stuck with post-accident is what you're....well stuck with.
After almost two years, that would appear to be the case.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What a Week!
Exhaustion and depression aren't picnics on their own but, add the two together, and life becomes really hard.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true. I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true. The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.
But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things. Nope. Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again. So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.
Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this! I was obeying the law. I didn't run the red light. And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed. In fact, they failed spectacularly.
It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed. I kept denying it, calling it burn out. Who wouldn't be burned out? You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning. Of course it's burn out.
Except it wasn't. So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time). Between that and the counseling, it was getting better. Not great but better.
Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.
So no antidepressant, no counseling... The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting. Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit. Now they're back in full force.
Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on. Without the help I need. Help that I paid for.
My mantra for today? And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020... Insurance companies suck!
Yeah, I know it's the weekend. But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.
Monday, August 16, 2010
For Ladies Only...or maybe not
I can't begin to describe the agony I was in after the accident. And I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Outside of toothaches and hard labor pains anyway. What I was left with after my encounter with the 'red light runner,' rates right up there with those two experiences. Except labor eventually ends and dentists can fill or pull a tooth pretty quickly.
This went on round the clock, month after month after month. And all I looked forward to were the shots the doctor thought would help. But I couldn't have those until all the testing was finished, and circumstances beyond my control caused that to take longer than it should.
Finally, about five months later, I went in for the first of a series of three shots over a month or so. I was offered an I.V. sedative but I've had enough I.V.'s in my life (pregnancy related) that it didn't seem like any shot could hurt that bad, so I said no. I'd just tough it out.
Wow. What an experience. Amazingly enough the shots did hurt. At least as bad as an I.V. But it wasn't anything I couldn't tolerate, and I didn't have to worry about feeling groggy the rest of the day. Or groggier than had become normal by that point.
Those first shots, one somewhere along the spine, and a second one in the bursa of my left hip were wonderful. Almost immediate pain relief. I was so happy I could have danced, but I knew better. Just because the pain was essentially gone didn't mean the injuries were.
When the shots wore off within ten days, I was discouraged. Relief from excruciating pain, only to have it return full force, only makes it feel worse. So I was a little skeptical for the next two appointments. With good reason because the next two sets didn't have any effect at all. On the pain.
They did, however, have a peachy little side effect no one bothered to mention. Can we say irregular periods? I don't know about you but just one regular four or five day period every month is more than enough for me.
Try nine in six months, each one lasting ten days to two weeks.
At first it scared the heck out of me and I started Googling it. Could there be a correlation between the steroid shots and what was going on? Yup. And it's fairly common, too, from what I was able to find. Common enough that it should have made the side-effect list they gave me.
I'm not sure what decision I'd have made had I known at the onset that the shots weren't going to help. Probably gone ahead and gotten them anyway. I was pretty desperate. At least now I don't have to weigh pain relief at the expense of half my life on a period.
Would I have more shots? Not a chance! I wasn't impressed with the three sets I had (all without I.V. sedation). I was even less impressed with what followed.
So why did I share this experience? Because you need to be informed about any procedure you have done. And not just from the information doctors choose to give you. Get all the facts.
Many women thought they might be experiencing early menopause-or even symptoms of cancer-when it was nothing more than an unpleasant side effect of the shots. So check it all out before you agree to anything like this.
Even men, because you could be surprised, too.
This went on round the clock, month after month after month. And all I looked forward to were the shots the doctor thought would help. But I couldn't have those until all the testing was finished, and circumstances beyond my control caused that to take longer than it should.
Finally, about five months later, I went in for the first of a series of three shots over a month or so. I was offered an I.V. sedative but I've had enough I.V.'s in my life (pregnancy related) that it didn't seem like any shot could hurt that bad, so I said no. I'd just tough it out.
Wow. What an experience. Amazingly enough the shots did hurt. At least as bad as an I.V. But it wasn't anything I couldn't tolerate, and I didn't have to worry about feeling groggy the rest of the day. Or groggier than had become normal by that point.
Those first shots, one somewhere along the spine, and a second one in the bursa of my left hip were wonderful. Almost immediate pain relief. I was so happy I could have danced, but I knew better. Just because the pain was essentially gone didn't mean the injuries were.
When the shots wore off within ten days, I was discouraged. Relief from excruciating pain, only to have it return full force, only makes it feel worse. So I was a little skeptical for the next two appointments. With good reason because the next two sets didn't have any effect at all. On the pain.
They did, however, have a peachy little side effect no one bothered to mention. Can we say irregular periods? I don't know about you but just one regular four or five day period every month is more than enough for me.
Try nine in six months, each one lasting ten days to two weeks.
At first it scared the heck out of me and I started Googling it. Could there be a correlation between the steroid shots and what was going on? Yup. And it's fairly common, too, from what I was able to find. Common enough that it should have made the side-effect list they gave me.
I'm not sure what decision I'd have made had I known at the onset that the shots weren't going to help. Probably gone ahead and gotten them anyway. I was pretty desperate. At least now I don't have to weigh pain relief at the expense of half my life on a period.
Would I have more shots? Not a chance! I wasn't impressed with the three sets I had (all without I.V. sedation). I was even less impressed with what followed.
So why did I share this experience? Because you need to be informed about any procedure you have done. And not just from the information doctors choose to give you. Get all the facts.
Many women thought they might be experiencing early menopause-or even symptoms of cancer-when it was nothing more than an unpleasant side effect of the shots. So check it all out before you agree to anything like this.
Even men, because you could be surprised, too.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thank God it's Friday!
The past two summers have been so hard to live through. Like I mentioned yesterday, I've never liked this season. But it's so much worse now. When you never feel good, or rested, and the weather already makes you feel drained, it makes each day just that much harder to get through.
But only two more days of the extreme heat and humidity before the promised break is supposed to arrive- 10-day forecast for mostly seventies. And then there will hopefully we'll see an end to complaints from me. Until the next round of eighties and nineties anyway.
Just thinking about it makes me want to swear...
Which brings me to the subject of this post. Am I the only TBI'er (saw that the other day and liked it) who never used to cuss much but, after the injury, cussed so much that it was almost a second language? Talk about a personality change I despise! Once I get started it's like I have no control. Like there's a target number of times I have to swear before it's out of my system.
Anyone remember Fonzie? I think I'm like him in that I don't like to say I'm sorry. Not because I think I'm too cool but because if I have to apologize, it's because I've done something to hurt or offend someone. And I don't like doing that to anyone. Well, except for the insurance claims reps, their lawyers and the IME doctors. If I can offend them in any little way, I feel like I should be nominated for an award.
But back to the topic.... When you've just polluted the air with a steady stream of profanity, you have to apologize. Because you have offended anyone in hearing distance. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of saying I'm sorry.
Of course this goes hand-in-hand with some of the other subjects I've written about. Too much stress, too much pressure, etc... It's always set off because of situations I have trouble handling now. And it gives me yet another reason to stay holed up alone in my office for most of every day. If you avoid the triggers, you avoid the bad responses. The only problem is, you also avoid life.
I like my office just fine, but it's beginning to feel like a prison. Yes, I choose to hide here far more often than not, but it's only choosing the lesser of two evils. Isolate myself or risk blowing a gasket and making all the truckers blush. (For those wondering what in the world I mean by that last statement, it's just a way we describe hard core profanity users in our little corner of the world)
So again...am I the only one? If not, what are you trying to do to control your language? Are you having any success with whatever it is you're doing?
But only two more days of the extreme heat and humidity before the promised break is supposed to arrive- 10-day forecast for mostly seventies. And then there will hopefully we'll see an end to complaints from me. Until the next round of eighties and nineties anyway.
Just thinking about it makes me want to swear...
Which brings me to the subject of this post. Am I the only TBI'er (saw that the other day and liked it) who never used to cuss much but, after the injury, cussed so much that it was almost a second language? Talk about a personality change I despise! Once I get started it's like I have no control. Like there's a target number of times I have to swear before it's out of my system.
Anyone remember Fonzie? I think I'm like him in that I don't like to say I'm sorry. Not because I think I'm too cool but because if I have to apologize, it's because I've done something to hurt or offend someone. And I don't like doing that to anyone. Well, except for the insurance claims reps, their lawyers and the IME doctors. If I can offend them in any little way, I feel like I should be nominated for an award.
But back to the topic.... When you've just polluted the air with a steady stream of profanity, you have to apologize. Because you have offended anyone in hearing distance. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of saying I'm sorry.
Of course this goes hand-in-hand with some of the other subjects I've written about. Too much stress, too much pressure, etc... It's always set off because of situations I have trouble handling now. And it gives me yet another reason to stay holed up alone in my office for most of every day. If you avoid the triggers, you avoid the bad responses. The only problem is, you also avoid life.
I like my office just fine, but it's beginning to feel like a prison. Yes, I choose to hide here far more often than not, but it's only choosing the lesser of two evils. Isolate myself or risk blowing a gasket and making all the truckers blush. (For those wondering what in the world I mean by that last statement, it's just a way we describe hard core profanity users in our little corner of the world)
So again...am I the only one? If not, what are you trying to do to control your language? Are you having any success with whatever it is you're doing?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Did I Mention That I HATE Summer?
Yeah, I know I did. But I had to say it again because it makes me feel better. Not much, but some. I still haven't bounced back from the reunion and hot, humid days don't help. I've been dragging all day. And trying to come up with a subject to write about tonight. So far, no luck though.
Guess I'll just say that I finally got a little work in the fiction area done last night. Darn little and if it flies at all, it's going to take some serious editing.
A friend suggested that maybe the reason I haven't been able to finish anything I was working on two years ago is because somewhere, in its cobweb filled corners, my mind associates the projects with the accident. She thought that maybe trying something entirely new might kick-start everything. If last night is anything to go by, though, it's going to take a little more kicking.
Hmm. I just realized something. I've been blaming today's overwhelming fatigue on the reunion and weather. But it was pretty hot yesterday and I didn't feel this bad. Maybe it's more to do with those thousand words...
Whatever the reason, about all I'll be good for tonight is rambling and I don't think I'm going to go there. Don't think I'll be adding to the four pages that are hoping to become a book either. : (
Guess I'll just say that I finally got a little work in the fiction area done last night. Darn little and if it flies at all, it's going to take some serious editing.
A friend suggested that maybe the reason I haven't been able to finish anything I was working on two years ago is because somewhere, in its cobweb filled corners, my mind associates the projects with the accident. She thought that maybe trying something entirely new might kick-start everything. If last night is anything to go by, though, it's going to take a little more kicking.
Hmm. I just realized something. I've been blaming today's overwhelming fatigue on the reunion and weather. But it was pretty hot yesterday and I didn't feel this bad. Maybe it's more to do with those thousand words...
Whatever the reason, about all I'll be good for tonight is rambling and I don't think I'm going to go there. Don't think I'll be adding to the four pages that are hoping to become a book either. : (
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I don't know about you but I worry about the future more now than I did before. If, almost two years after my auto accident, I'm still in a great deal of pain, I'm still not able to do many of the things I used to do, and I'm still experiencing issues with the TBI and PTSD, what will life be like in five, ten and thirty years?
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Will the injuries to my hip, shoulder, lower back and neck be more likely to develop arthritis? Will the focus, fatigue, being over-stimulated too easily and all the rest of the brain injury symptoms continue to cause me problems? Is there really a connection between mild TBI's and the risk of developing Alzheimer's?
What about my writing? I've written fiction since I was fifteen years old (not gonna say how long ago that was!).
In twenty-two months I haven't even written a chapter in the book I was working on at the time the accident occurred. I haven't been able to write anything else in the fiction genre either. But, five months before I was hit, from conception of the idea to the final editing, I wrote a 45,000+ word book. Two or three weeks prior to the accident, I wrote a short story and submitted it to a national writing contest. (nope, there were two winners and I wasn't one of them)
Twenty years from now am I still going to be spending the majority of my time hiding out in my office because it's easier than being around people? Because crowds, or too much noise, or whatever are still almost more than I can bear? Because I sometimes fear being beat up should I ever give in to the urge to run a particularly rude person over with my shopping cart? (that urge rises up more often than you'd think-like every time I step inside a grocery store!)
Will driving around to look at fall colors, or holiday decorations ever not make me feel exhausted? Will I ever host another bonfire (a years-long tradition) for my mother's birthday? And what about my annual New Years Eve party? Just games, pizza and sodas, but it used to make for an enjoyable-and safe-celebration.
Then there's Christmas. I have more decorations than anyone I know-and I used put them on anything that didn't move. I also spent the end of November and all of December baking cookies, making candies, watching any and all manner of Christmas movies, reading all of my favorite Christmas books (which even have their own special shelf), listening to Christmas music from dawn until dusk...and just generally loving every single minute of the holidays. It's the only time of year when I didn't mind shopping-because I loved buying gifts.
I don't even remember the first Christmas after the accident. Well, except for two stand out events. One was baking one batch of three different kinds of cookies with my daughter because I promised. The previous year we'd been packing in preparation for a move to our new house in mid-January, so we didn't celebrate much. The first Christmas in our new house was supposed to be special, to make up for the last one. But I wound up in bed, and in severe pain, from that too brief baking session.
Then there was my family's Christmas Eve party, something we've done every year since I was a kid. That year my baby brother hosted it. And I was scared. I'd wound up in emergency Thanksgiving night because it hadn't registered yet that I couldn't bake and prepare for the holiday for two days without consequences. But Christmas Eve I knew what might happen if I overdid things again.
My biggest fear was that the party was being held in the basement rec room, which meant a steep flight of stairs. They offered to move it to the main floor, but they have white carpet and I didn't want to be responsible for any damage to that. So I didn't eat or drink anything all day because I knew I'd be lucky to make one trip down and then back up. If a visit to the bathroom became necessary, the party would be over for me and my kids.
But the party never really started for me because food preparation and the trip downstairs did me in. I had to take a pain pill-and required help from two people to get back upstairs when it was time to leave. Pretty sad memories of my favorite holiday.
Six months later, after a miserable, disastrous, and painful Easter dinner, I stopped inviting people to my house. Not that it was much of a dinner. I made minimal effort and my daughter did most of the work on the scaled down menu. That was the first year in my entire adult life that I didn't make four or five from scratch pies. I didn't even make one. Instead I bought two pretty little frozen cakes. And homemade rolls...forget it!
These are the things I wonder about. And you may wonder about me reminiscing about Christmases past in August. But that hasn't changed about me. I hated summer before the accident and I hate now. And one of the ways I get through these unbearably hot, humid days is to think about Christmas.
Only now I'm not looking forward to it. Now I dread it with all my heart.
Are these the kinds of things I have to look forward in my golden years? Nothing to look forward to? And let me tell you, a life mostly alone in my office isn't even remotely close to the life I had planned.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'd Like to Wake Up Now
I spent the a good part of the afternoon reading blogs by other TBI victims. It was 'pleasantly' surprising to see that the things I still experience, after almost two years, aren't uncommon. One subject in particular really hit home.
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
And that would be...fatigue. Constant, sometimes debilitating fatigue.
Except for early in pregnancies, and maybe until the babies started sleeping through the night, I don't think I've ever been so consistently tired as I have been for the past twenty-two months. The only things that were worse have been the few times I've had bronchitis, and the occasional flu bug. Fortunately those things are few and far between.
But this... This just never goes away. I still have trouble getting a good nights sleep, though six to eight hours is more common now than it was during the first year and a half. Then I averaged three to four hours a night. Every night.
The odd thing about that is, I think I felt more awake on the fewer hours of sleep. I don't try to skimp though because adequate rest is essential for the healing process. Not to mention it's healthier. Still, no matter how much or how little I get, I never wake refreshed. I never wake up when I don't feel like a few more hours might help. So basically just the simple act of getting out of bed begins my fatigue-filled day.
Things don't get as bad if I can just stay in my own little world. My house and, specifically, my office. There I can control distractions and noise (to a large degree). Grocery shopping, riding in the car, picnics, parties, and just about anything else you can think of, all leave me exhausted. Depending on what's involved, it can last for days.
I'm still recovering from the family reunion I mentioned a in an earlier post. One thing I neglected to add is that the day was topped off with a flat tire on the way home...and a 45 minute wait on the shoulder of a freeway off ramp. More stress, added to an already stressful weekend, left me feeling like I'd been through a wringer.
It takes awhile to bounce back. Though today isn't quite as rough as yesterday, it's still not good. Hopefully the normal fatigue will be back tomorrow. For clarity, the fatigue is very much more preferable to exhaustion.
This is just one of those peachy side effects of a head injury. You never stop hoping it will go away-and it never does.
IME doctors will refute it. They're paid very well to discredit you and your symptoms. It's all in your head (yeah, isn't it?!). It's depression (uh-huh...you get a head injury and the fatigue and other injuries might depress you, too!). You didn't lead an active enough lifestyle prior to the accident and now you're trying to blame your poor health on that (one, how do they know what kind of life you led prior to the accident and two... well, I can't give my opinion here because it would, again, involve the use of profanity).
Hating is something I've always tried to avoid in my life. In fact, I've hated very few people, ever. Until this happened. Now the list is fairly long-and growing all the time.
But you know what? Hating just exacerbates stress, and stress makes me more tired, so it's a viscous cycle. Consequently I try not to think about the people who are paid well to try and make my life miserable. Too bad they're experts in their profession.
Thought I got off topic for a second there, but I really didn't. TBI-related fatigue is very real. And, from the looks of things, it's pretty long lasting. Unfortunately there will be people in your life who will swear up and down that it's not real. That you're lying. Or, as one of the oh so trustworthy, integrity-strong insurance doctors said, that you're 'embellishing.'
Hey, Doc...bite me!
Just let me take a quick nap first...
Yoo Hoo! Is Anyone In There?
One of the most annoying things about this whole 'traumatic brain injury' thing is something I don't have a name for. I'm sure there is a name for it, and someone probably told me what it was, but obviously it's just one of the many things I tend to forget now.
Maybe it has to do with the 'focus' issues that have become a part of my daily life. Whatever the reason, it can be very frustrating. Both for me and anyone trying to talk to me.
Sometimes I'll be sitting at my desk (or anywhere), trying to do something, and realize that I don't know what I've been doing for the past little while. While I'm writing, watching a program, playing a game, or-and I'm sorry to admit this-having a conversation.
It's kind of like driving when you're too tired. All of a sudden you realize you've covered a few miles you don't remember passing. The file I thought I was writing in is blank. The television program is running, but I've missed several minutes and couldn't tell you why.
The worst, though, are the conversations. We've all had moments in our lives when we've been stuck listening to a dull speaker. Those people who prefer monologues over a two-way chat. They make it easy to zone out, to pay just a hint of attention to what they're saying because all they require is an occasional 'uh-huh,' or nod of the head.
But now I can zone out during the middle of a perfectly nice conversation. It's like my mind gets tired of thinking and just takes a little vacation.
Another facet to whatever this thing that I have going on now is just weird. One of my kids will come to my office, have a short conversation with me, and then go on about their business. Thirty seconds or a minute or two later I have to call them back and find out what we both just said. For some reason it took awhile for it to register that they were here and that we actually discussed something. It's a little scary, and it for sure is a lot annoying!
I can also be in the middle of doing something when one of them will stop to say something. And I'll have to ask them to repeat it several times before what they're saying actually sinks in. Why? Because I have trouble shifting my focus from one thing to another. Yet another change I hate.
I'm not saying this is a constant, round the clock thing. It's definitely a daily thing, and I work hard to eliminate from my life. But it's not easy. I've always been able to change my focus whenever I wanted to. I want that ability back.
So far the biggest thing that helps me is to close my eyes. If I can shut out all the distractions around me, or at least most of them, then I can hear what someone is saying to me. Kind of a pain in the neck though. Not to mention that it looks rude.
Has anyone else experienced this? If so, have you found anything that helps you shift your focus from one thing to another? What might that be?
Maybe it has to do with the 'focus' issues that have become a part of my daily life. Whatever the reason, it can be very frustrating. Both for me and anyone trying to talk to me.
Sometimes I'll be sitting at my desk (or anywhere), trying to do something, and realize that I don't know what I've been doing for the past little while. While I'm writing, watching a program, playing a game, or-and I'm sorry to admit this-having a conversation.
It's kind of like driving when you're too tired. All of a sudden you realize you've covered a few miles you don't remember passing. The file I thought I was writing in is blank. The television program is running, but I've missed several minutes and couldn't tell you why.
The worst, though, are the conversations. We've all had moments in our lives when we've been stuck listening to a dull speaker. Those people who prefer monologues over a two-way chat. They make it easy to zone out, to pay just a hint of attention to what they're saying because all they require is an occasional 'uh-huh,' or nod of the head.
But now I can zone out during the middle of a perfectly nice conversation. It's like my mind gets tired of thinking and just takes a little vacation.
Another facet to whatever this thing that I have going on now is just weird. One of my kids will come to my office, have a short conversation with me, and then go on about their business. Thirty seconds or a minute or two later I have to call them back and find out what we both just said. For some reason it took awhile for it to register that they were here and that we actually discussed something. It's a little scary, and it for sure is a lot annoying!
I can also be in the middle of doing something when one of them will stop to say something. And I'll have to ask them to repeat it several times before what they're saying actually sinks in. Why? Because I have trouble shifting my focus from one thing to another. Yet another change I hate.
I'm not saying this is a constant, round the clock thing. It's definitely a daily thing, and I work hard to eliminate from my life. But it's not easy. I've always been able to change my focus whenever I wanted to. I want that ability back.
So far the biggest thing that helps me is to close my eyes. If I can shut out all the distractions around me, or at least most of them, then I can hear what someone is saying to me. Kind of a pain in the neck though. Not to mention that it looks rude.
Has anyone else experienced this? If so, have you found anything that helps you shift your focus from one thing to another? What might that be?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Just One of Those Weekends...
I've always loved family get-togethers but, since the accident, they're not as easy as they used to be. It's like any additional stress is like the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. All week I've been trying not to stress out about the annual family reunion today. Not that I wasn't looking forward to it in many ways because I was. But I also know what to expect from events now and I tend to dread them.
What do I expect? Extra work in getting food ready to take. Exhaustion from the drive to and from wherever the event is being held. Usually at least thirty minutes away. I'm not sure how bad it would be if I were doing the driving, although maybe it wouldn't be bad. At the rate it's going, who knows when I'll find out though.
There's also the event itself.
I can guarantee you that no one on the planet loves their family-the whole family-more than I do. But I have to force myself to mingle now. For one thing, standing up and walking around much hurts. A lot (though I have to say that walking is much easier than just standing in one place).
Then there's the fact that there is so much going on around me. Conversations, kids playing, games... Normal things. Yet things that tire me out beyond belief.
Fortunately I'm a big believer in the 'fake it until you make it' philosophy. If not for that, I'd always stay closed up in my office, where things are calm and quiet, easier to take. Very little stress. Except doing that wouldn't get me any closer to living the life I enjoyed before the head injury.
Even so, last night I started considering what excuses I might use for staying home. The possible reasons were running through my mind while I was preparing the casserole-because I knew if I waited until this morning, I'd be in too much pain to even pretend to be having a good time. As it stands, I think this is the second time in my life that I've not taken a dessert. The first time was last year...
So...
I just thought I'd share one of the many ways my accident and injuries have screwed up my life. Did I have a good time? Yes I did. I find that if I seek out one person and concentrate on that conversation, it's easier. Then I move to another. Today I stayed almost two and a half hours. That's quite awhile for me these days.
The stress from it, though, did make me realize that I'm going to stop posting blogs on the weekend. Since that's when most events take place, I need to keep them as stress free as possible, and the pressure of preparing for the reunion yesterday was too much.
What do I expect? Extra work in getting food ready to take. Exhaustion from the drive to and from wherever the event is being held. Usually at least thirty minutes away. I'm not sure how bad it would be if I were doing the driving, although maybe it wouldn't be bad. At the rate it's going, who knows when I'll find out though.
There's also the event itself.
I can guarantee you that no one on the planet loves their family-the whole family-more than I do. But I have to force myself to mingle now. For one thing, standing up and walking around much hurts. A lot (though I have to say that walking is much easier than just standing in one place).
Then there's the fact that there is so much going on around me. Conversations, kids playing, games... Normal things. Yet things that tire me out beyond belief.
Fortunately I'm a big believer in the 'fake it until you make it' philosophy. If not for that, I'd always stay closed up in my office, where things are calm and quiet, easier to take. Very little stress. Except doing that wouldn't get me any closer to living the life I enjoyed before the head injury.
Even so, last night I started considering what excuses I might use for staying home. The possible reasons were running through my mind while I was preparing the casserole-because I knew if I waited until this morning, I'd be in too much pain to even pretend to be having a good time. As it stands, I think this is the second time in my life that I've not taken a dessert. The first time was last year...
So...
I just thought I'd share one of the many ways my accident and injuries have screwed up my life. Did I have a good time? Yes I did. I find that if I seek out one person and concentrate on that conversation, it's easier. Then I move to another. Today I stayed almost two and a half hours. That's quite awhile for me these days.
The stress from it, though, did make me realize that I'm going to stop posting blogs on the weekend. Since that's when most events take place, I need to keep them as stress free as possible, and the pressure of preparing for the reunion yesterday was too much.
Friday, August 6, 2010
More on PTSD
After researching the PTST/TBI subject the other day, one phrase just keeps coming back to bug me. That would be the one that went something along the lines of, "constant, relentless stress" will make PTSD symptoms worse.
Amazingly enough, that's exactly what your insurance company causes. I don't know about you but being forced to endure IME's ('independent' medical evaluations), when you know their doctors are going to say you're perfectly fine (in other words, lie), is extremely stressful.
Having to deal with all of their paperwork, which they usually 'don't receive,' or 'lose,' is also very stressful. Just a suggestion here, fax them in with a short cover letter that includes a 'cc' to your attorney. Surprisingly enough, they manage to hold on to them a little better when you do that. At least that's what I've found over the past couple of years.
Holding up approval on treatments, or items you might need for your recovery is also another way they work to cause you additional stress.
But so far the thing that sends me over the top are their interrogatories. If you haven't yet experienced that treat, prepare yourself for some serious anger. They are a collection of the most intrusive, obnoxious and rude questions I've ever had the misfortune to read. Basically, if your benefits are canceled-and you want them back-you're going to have to suck it up and answer every one of them.
My company demanded access to several years records of my bank statements and income tax returns, all of my medical records, and information that is absolutely none of their business. One of the most offensive ones wanted the make, model, year and VIN number of the vehicles belonging to anyone who might have stayed overnight at my house during the six month prior to the accident. Not only that, but they expected me to provide the insurance company address and policy number on the cars for each of those guests.
Excuse me???!!!
Just thinking about it is enough to make my temper flare. Of course I didn't provide the information. In the same way I didn't provide the names and contact information for the doctors who have treated me since the accident. Or the amounts of the bills either. Instead I referred them to their computer files, where they already have that information.
Why did I share this with you? Because if you, too, suffer from PTSD caused by an accident, your insurance company doctors will deny it exists, while the company employees go out of their way to make it worse. Their goal is to stress you out badly enough, make you so miserable, that you'll give up and walk away...from the benefits you paid for.
And all insurance companies do this. Some are worse than others. My case manager told me that she has worked with a lot of companies during her career and that mine was the second worst one she'd ever dealt with. Lucky me, huh?
Amazingly enough, that's exactly what your insurance company causes. I don't know about you but being forced to endure IME's ('independent' medical evaluations), when you know their doctors are going to say you're perfectly fine (in other words, lie), is extremely stressful.
Having to deal with all of their paperwork, which they usually 'don't receive,' or 'lose,' is also very stressful. Just a suggestion here, fax them in with a short cover letter that includes a 'cc' to your attorney. Surprisingly enough, they manage to hold on to them a little better when you do that. At least that's what I've found over the past couple of years.
Holding up approval on treatments, or items you might need for your recovery is also another way they work to cause you additional stress.
But so far the thing that sends me over the top are their interrogatories. If you haven't yet experienced that treat, prepare yourself for some serious anger. They are a collection of the most intrusive, obnoxious and rude questions I've ever had the misfortune to read. Basically, if your benefits are canceled-and you want them back-you're going to have to suck it up and answer every one of them.
My company demanded access to several years records of my bank statements and income tax returns, all of my medical records, and information that is absolutely none of their business. One of the most offensive ones wanted the make, model, year and VIN number of the vehicles belonging to anyone who might have stayed overnight at my house during the six month prior to the accident. Not only that, but they expected me to provide the insurance company address and policy number on the cars for each of those guests.
Excuse me???!!!
Just thinking about it is enough to make my temper flare. Of course I didn't provide the information. In the same way I didn't provide the names and contact information for the doctors who have treated me since the accident. Or the amounts of the bills either. Instead I referred them to their computer files, where they already have that information.
Why did I share this with you? Because if you, too, suffer from PTSD caused by an accident, your insurance company doctors will deny it exists, while the company employees go out of their way to make it worse. Their goal is to stress you out badly enough, make you so miserable, that you'll give up and walk away...from the benefits you paid for.
And all insurance companies do this. Some are worse than others. My case manager told me that she has worked with a lot of companies during her career and that mine was the second worst one she'd ever dealt with. Lucky me, huh?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Are They In Your Corner?
If you're injured in an automobile accident and are experiencing a great deal of pain, as well as impaired mobility, one of the best things that could happen to you is to be referred to a physiatrist. (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physiatrist)
I was fortunate to be referred to an especially good one, and he has overseen my care for more than eighteen months. How do I know he's that good? Because my case manager, who usually works in a very large metro area, told me so. I already suspected that, but it was nice to hear my opinion confirmed.
I haven't always been so fortunate during this ordeal though. At one point I was referred to a pain management specialist who was something less than impressive.
She was supposed to teach me techniques to 'close the pain gate.' (see http://www.holisticonline.com/remedies/backpain/back_pain_gate_control_theory.htm)
Close the pain gate?! Okay! At that point in my recovery, I could see where suicide might, eventually, become a viable option for pain relief so yeah. I was all for closing that gate. Let's slam that sucker shut, paddle lock it, weld it, build a brick wall around it, do whatever it takes to keep that baby closed!
Except to my surprise and disgust (mostly disgust), she suggested I start making use of things like motorized shopping carts, wheelchairs and walkers with seats. You know, so I could walk awhile, sit and rest awhile, walk a little more...
What???!!!
This wasn't teaching me to close any gate! This was basically telling me to give up and accept life as an invalid. I really wanted to tell her to bite me, but held my tongue, finished out the appointment, then couldn't get out of there fast enough. Literally, since I was still walking slow as a snail at the time. When I ranted about it to my doctor he told me I didn't need to see her anymore. Good thing because I hadn't planned on gong back!
You need to make very sure that you, and those who are treating you, are on the same page. My doctor and I are. The pain management specialist and I were not.
Had I listened to the well meaning garbage coming out of her mouth, I'd be destined to life in a wheelchair. Instead, I got hooked up with a great physical therapy program. When I started, walking for 5 minutes on a treadmill set at 0.4 mph was like torture. When I had to stop treatments nine months later, due to insurance issues, I was up to 1.7 mph for 20-30 minutes. Quite a nice improvement. I miss the treadmill though. The pace is steadier and less painful than walking on solid ground.
To back up a second. You'll note that I said great physical therapy program. Trust me, some programs aren't even good. My first round of PT falls in that category. So I thought I'd try pool therapy through the same company. It fell in to another category. That would be called a very bad program.
The third choice was the charm though. These therapists knew exactly what they were doing. While they never pushed me to the point where I'd hurt myself more, they didn't cut me any slack. Which worked well for me because I don't cut myself much slack either. I was always up for anything that would help me get back to normal faster. Any time they asked if I wanted to try something new, I always said yes. Sometimes I wish I hadn't but in the end, it always proved to be a good decision.
They, also, were on the same page. They knew what my ultimate goal was and worked with me to make it happen. When my benefits are reinstated, I'd like to pick up where we left off. While I made amazing progress there, I still have a long road ahead of me.
But that road is much shorter than it would have been had I listened to the pain management specialist.
So take it from me. Be choosy in who you work with, or your outcome might be very different than what you'd hoped it would be. You must take an active role in your recovery. If someone seems to have given up on you, find someone who won't.
I was fortunate to be referred to an especially good one, and he has overseen my care for more than eighteen months. How do I know he's that good? Because my case manager, who usually works in a very large metro area, told me so. I already suspected that, but it was nice to hear my opinion confirmed.
I haven't always been so fortunate during this ordeal though. At one point I was referred to a pain management specialist who was something less than impressive.
She was supposed to teach me techniques to 'close the pain gate.' (see http://www.holisticonline.com/remedies/backpain/back_pain_gate_control_theory.htm)
Close the pain gate?! Okay! At that point in my recovery, I could see where suicide might, eventually, become a viable option for pain relief so yeah. I was all for closing that gate. Let's slam that sucker shut, paddle lock it, weld it, build a brick wall around it, do whatever it takes to keep that baby closed!
Except to my surprise and disgust (mostly disgust), she suggested I start making use of things like motorized shopping carts, wheelchairs and walkers with seats. You know, so I could walk awhile, sit and rest awhile, walk a little more...
What???!!!
This wasn't teaching me to close any gate! This was basically telling me to give up and accept life as an invalid. I really wanted to tell her to bite me, but held my tongue, finished out the appointment, then couldn't get out of there fast enough. Literally, since I was still walking slow as a snail at the time. When I ranted about it to my doctor he told me I didn't need to see her anymore. Good thing because I hadn't planned on gong back!
You need to make very sure that you, and those who are treating you, are on the same page. My doctor and I are. The pain management specialist and I were not.
Had I listened to the well meaning garbage coming out of her mouth, I'd be destined to life in a wheelchair. Instead, I got hooked up with a great physical therapy program. When I started, walking for 5 minutes on a treadmill set at 0.4 mph was like torture. When I had to stop treatments nine months later, due to insurance issues, I was up to 1.7 mph for 20-30 minutes. Quite a nice improvement. I miss the treadmill though. The pace is steadier and less painful than walking on solid ground.
To back up a second. You'll note that I said great physical therapy program. Trust me, some programs aren't even good. My first round of PT falls in that category. So I thought I'd try pool therapy through the same company. It fell in to another category. That would be called a very bad program.
The third choice was the charm though. These therapists knew exactly what they were doing. While they never pushed me to the point where I'd hurt myself more, they didn't cut me any slack. Which worked well for me because I don't cut myself much slack either. I was always up for anything that would help me get back to normal faster. Any time they asked if I wanted to try something new, I always said yes. Sometimes I wish I hadn't but in the end, it always proved to be a good decision.
They, also, were on the same page. They knew what my ultimate goal was and worked with me to make it happen. When my benefits are reinstated, I'd like to pick up where we left off. While I made amazing progress there, I still have a long road ahead of me.
But that road is much shorter than it would have been had I listened to the pain management specialist.
So take it from me. Be choosy in who you work with, or your outcome might be very different than what you'd hoped it would be. You must take an active role in your recovery. If someone seems to have given up on you, find someone who won't.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A Word to Support People
Quite frankly, I feel kind of sorry for the people in my life sometimes. And sometimes I don't. No one ever expected the injuries from the accident to still be affecting me almost two years later. But they are and it's about time they get used to it. I've worked pretty hard these long months, and there are improvements. I intend for there to continue to be improvements, too.
But a little help would really help in certain situations.
Take the quick-and long lasting-temper problems, for instance. I've struggled with this issue all along. I know it. They know it. So technically, since none of us likes it when it rears its ugly head, you'd think we'd all do whatever is necessary to avoid it.
There are a number of reasons that cause me to get to that point, but stress and unpleasantness are the two major offenders. I am very aware of when it begins to get out of hand and I try to warn them. But on too many occasions it's like talking to the wall. And then I'm the 'bad guy.'
And let me tell you, I can be very bad. I'll shout, I'll cuss, I'll say things that I never would have said before the TBI and PTSD. Things that horrify me even as I hear the ugly words spewing out of my mouth. At some point I manage to clamp my jaws together because I'm so disgusted with myself, but the irritability can last for hours. Unless I can get somewhere alone-with minimal noise, distractions and interruptions.
I hate this new part of my personality. I fight against it all the time. To the point where I spend a great deal of time alone in my office, avoiding talking to anyone...in person or on the telephone. If I isolate myself, I can avoid all triggers, right?
But my question is why should I have to avoid them? If I work hard to keep the monster in me under control, shouldn't the people in my life work hard to not irritate me?
In a perfect world, yeah.
But the world isn't perfect, is it? We get used to life being this way, and when something happens to change a part of it, or in this case-a person, it's stressful for everyone involved. We want things back the way they were. We try to live life the same way we always have. Maybe in hopes that if we keep trying to make it so, it will be so?
Maybe it can be. Someday. But if you're dealing with a TBI and/or PTSD victim, cut them a little slack, okay? If you want things back to normal, it's going to take some time for your loved one to adjust and figure out new ways to handle things in his or her life.
If they give you a heads up that whatever is going on now is about to set them off, heed the warning! Not only might it save you hours of misery, you'll earn some brownie points for compassion and understanding. Because like it or not, understand it or not, that's exactly what we need sometimes.
Will you, the support person, get it right every time? Nope. But we, the victims, won't either. All any of us can do is our best. Keep trying, keep failing, keep winning some of the battles. It's a learning process for everyone.
You just need to learn fast....try not to tick us off. (smile, okay?)
But a little help would really help in certain situations.
Take the quick-and long lasting-temper problems, for instance. I've struggled with this issue all along. I know it. They know it. So technically, since none of us likes it when it rears its ugly head, you'd think we'd all do whatever is necessary to avoid it.
There are a number of reasons that cause me to get to that point, but stress and unpleasantness are the two major offenders. I am very aware of when it begins to get out of hand and I try to warn them. But on too many occasions it's like talking to the wall. And then I'm the 'bad guy.'
And let me tell you, I can be very bad. I'll shout, I'll cuss, I'll say things that I never would have said before the TBI and PTSD. Things that horrify me even as I hear the ugly words spewing out of my mouth. At some point I manage to clamp my jaws together because I'm so disgusted with myself, but the irritability can last for hours. Unless I can get somewhere alone-with minimal noise, distractions and interruptions.
I hate this new part of my personality. I fight against it all the time. To the point where I spend a great deal of time alone in my office, avoiding talking to anyone...in person or on the telephone. If I isolate myself, I can avoid all triggers, right?
But my question is why should I have to avoid them? If I work hard to keep the monster in me under control, shouldn't the people in my life work hard to not irritate me?
In a perfect world, yeah.
But the world isn't perfect, is it? We get used to life being this way, and when something happens to change a part of it, or in this case-a person, it's stressful for everyone involved. We want things back the way they were. We try to live life the same way we always have. Maybe in hopes that if we keep trying to make it so, it will be so?
Maybe it can be. Someday. But if you're dealing with a TBI and/or PTSD victim, cut them a little slack, okay? If you want things back to normal, it's going to take some time for your loved one to adjust and figure out new ways to handle things in his or her life.
If they give you a heads up that whatever is going on now is about to set them off, heed the warning! Not only might it save you hours of misery, you'll earn some brownie points for compassion and understanding. Because like it or not, understand it or not, that's exactly what we need sometimes.
Will you, the support person, get it right every time? Nope. But we, the victims, won't either. All any of us can do is our best. Keep trying, keep failing, keep winning some of the battles. It's a learning process for everyone.
You just need to learn fast....try not to tick us off. (smile, okay?)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A Residual Effect
Even though it's been almost two years, I haven't been given the go ahead to drive again. My occupational therapist set me up with a driving instructor they use for people with TBI's. The gentleman thought I would benefit from 6-8 sessions, then be good to go. Except, thanks to the results of insurance company enforced IME's, my coverage was canceled after the first one. And so I continue to remain a passenger.
Now I'm not sure if this particular effect would be better or worse if I were at the wheel, but I get very nervous at intersections now. Especially when people approaching stop signs and lights are traveling too fast and wait until the last minute to slam on the brakes. This happened today on the way to the grocery store and, per usual, it scared the heck out of me. I hate that. One, it is frightening and two, it annoys whoever is chauffeuring me around. It makes them think they're about to be plowed in to.
That got me thinking about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) diagnosis. IME doctors will likely insist that you don't have it-at least the ones I've seen have-but it is a very real problem in auto accident victims. Well, many different kinds of victims experience PSTD but, for the purpose of this blog, we'll stick with the accident part of it.
Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, insomnia, depression, avoidance, immersion, hyperarousal (anger/irritability), fear, anxiety... The list goes on.
They say the person suffering from PSTD is often the last to know, and that certainly was true in my case. I'd been under the impression that symptoms were limited to flashbacks and nightmares. Fortunately the nightmares never happened to me, but then when you only sleep 3-4 hours in every 24-hour period, especially when physical pain wakes you often, nightmares don't have much chance to bother you. The flashback experience has always been limited to intersections. Not every intersection, just in situations like I described above. And then I always brace myself for the impact of their vehicle hitting the one I'm in. But I just assumed that was a normal reaction following an accident.
My doctor is the one who first suspected it, along with the head injury. As soon as I got home that day, I started Googling PSTD and, sure enough, many of the symptoms described what I was going through. Feeling emotionally numb, except for a quick and foul temper, were things I'd already mentioned to the doctor because they were not 'me.'
I hated the fact that my temper could get out of control for little or no reason. From a state of numbness to absolute fury in the space of a split second. Even more I hated my reaction when, almost seven months after the accident, an aunt, whom I loved dearly, passed away. I am, or used to be, the kind of person who would cry the very second I saw a tear in someone else's eye during times like that. No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, one tear is all it would take. When she died I didn't feel anything. Except disgust with myself. Intellectually I knew I loved her, I knew I should be blubbering like a baby, that it should hurt but...I just felt numb.
Too many things on the list are issues I deal with now, and I won't go in to them because it would take too long. But I would encourage anyone suffering from PTSD to educate themselves on the subject. The more you know, the more you know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.
I've added a link on the left for a website I found to be well written and very informative. It deals mostly with Vietnam veterans, but applies to anyone with the disorder. If you want to know more, it's a great place to learn.
Now I'm not sure if this particular effect would be better or worse if I were at the wheel, but I get very nervous at intersections now. Especially when people approaching stop signs and lights are traveling too fast and wait until the last minute to slam on the brakes. This happened today on the way to the grocery store and, per usual, it scared the heck out of me. I hate that. One, it is frightening and two, it annoys whoever is chauffeuring me around. It makes them think they're about to be plowed in to.
That got me thinking about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) diagnosis. IME doctors will likely insist that you don't have it-at least the ones I've seen have-but it is a very real problem in auto accident victims. Well, many different kinds of victims experience PSTD but, for the purpose of this blog, we'll stick with the accident part of it.
Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, insomnia, depression, avoidance, immersion, hyperarousal (anger/irritability), fear, anxiety... The list goes on.
They say the person suffering from PSTD is often the last to know, and that certainly was true in my case. I'd been under the impression that symptoms were limited to flashbacks and nightmares. Fortunately the nightmares never happened to me, but then when you only sleep 3-4 hours in every 24-hour period, especially when physical pain wakes you often, nightmares don't have much chance to bother you. The flashback experience has always been limited to intersections. Not every intersection, just in situations like I described above. And then I always brace myself for the impact of their vehicle hitting the one I'm in. But I just assumed that was a normal reaction following an accident.
My doctor is the one who first suspected it, along with the head injury. As soon as I got home that day, I started Googling PSTD and, sure enough, many of the symptoms described what I was going through. Feeling emotionally numb, except for a quick and foul temper, were things I'd already mentioned to the doctor because they were not 'me.'
I hated the fact that my temper could get out of control for little or no reason. From a state of numbness to absolute fury in the space of a split second. Even more I hated my reaction when, almost seven months after the accident, an aunt, whom I loved dearly, passed away. I am, or used to be, the kind of person who would cry the very second I saw a tear in someone else's eye during times like that. No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, one tear is all it would take. When she died I didn't feel anything. Except disgust with myself. Intellectually I knew I loved her, I knew I should be blubbering like a baby, that it should hurt but...I just felt numb.
Too many things on the list are issues I deal with now, and I won't go in to them because it would take too long. But I would encourage anyone suffering from PTSD to educate themselves on the subject. The more you know, the more you know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.
I've added a link on the left for a website I found to be well written and very informative. It deals mostly with Vietnam veterans, but applies to anyone with the disorder. If you want to know more, it's a great place to learn.
Monday, August 2, 2010
IME's
Twenty minutes to my self-imposed midnight deadline and I've decided I can't do the blog already written for today's post. Why? Because I feel like I need to tackle a subject near and dear to my heart. And that's issuing a warning.
Those of you who have been dealing with this for awhile will understand what I'm talking about. Those who are in the beginning stages don't have a clue about what's waiting for them down the line. I know I sure didn't. But believe me, there are people who have made it their life's mission to discredit your injuries, to make it sound like you're 'faking it,' and even blame whatever is wrong with you on your prior medical history.
These offenders would be none other than those in the medical profession. The ones who take this silly little oath to keep their patients from harm and injustice. Yeah, right. The moment they sign on to administer IME's (Independent Medical Evaluations), I guess they forget about that. Refuting what real doctors say is, after all, a very lucrative business.
Sometimes, I've found, they seem just as nice as can be. But don't be fooled. They are being paid to dispute everything your doctors have diagnosed. As I mentioned above, they will try to say there's nothing wrong with you. Or if there is, it's not the result of your accident but rather something from your past is the cause. Some will write out and out lies and, sadly, I know this from experience.
Fairly early in my post-accident journey, my claims rep suggested I let them hire a 'case manager' for me. She explained their duties were to coordinate treatment, help keep track of everything and make sure no stone was left unturned to make sure I recovered as quickly as possible. Having already been given reason to distrust her, I said I'd think about it, and did some checking around.
Take it from me, an independent case manager is a wonderful thing. If a treating physician believes one will benefit their patient, they can write a prescription which the patient can then use to find one on their own. Or by referral from someone they trust. If they're prescribed, the insurance company should have to cover this expense.
A case manager will make sure that IME's are scheduled at their convenience and attend them with patient. This is a good thing because they will be a witness for every exam. And that's exactly what an accident victim needs. Notice I said 'needs,' not 'wants.'
If they can't get one, they need to make sure that someone goes with them to an IME. They are entitled to a support person with them throughout the exam, at least in my state. It's a definite advantage to have an extra pair of eyes and ears because IME doctors will generally not allow audio or video taping of the time they spend with a patient, so a witness is crucial.
If the witness is able, they should take notes throughout the exam. If not, when it's over, both the patient and the witness should write down everything they remember. Time of arrival, when the exam began and how long it lasted. What the doctor did and asked. After the patient receives their copy of the report, they're often stunned by the differences in what actually happened and what the 'doctor' claimed happened.
The road to recovery is a long one. A case manager or witness might make things a little easier when a claims rep decides the patient has taken too long to recover. In too many cases people kiss their benefits goodbye, leaving them no alternative but take the matter to court to get them reinstated. Knowing details will make them a more credible witness.
Those of you who have been dealing with this for awhile will understand what I'm talking about. Those who are in the beginning stages don't have a clue about what's waiting for them down the line. I know I sure didn't. But believe me, there are people who have made it their life's mission to discredit your injuries, to make it sound like you're 'faking it,' and even blame whatever is wrong with you on your prior medical history.
These offenders would be none other than those in the medical profession. The ones who take this silly little oath to keep their patients from harm and injustice. Yeah, right. The moment they sign on to administer IME's (Independent Medical Evaluations), I guess they forget about that. Refuting what real doctors say is, after all, a very lucrative business.
Sometimes, I've found, they seem just as nice as can be. But don't be fooled. They are being paid to dispute everything your doctors have diagnosed. As I mentioned above, they will try to say there's nothing wrong with you. Or if there is, it's not the result of your accident but rather something from your past is the cause. Some will write out and out lies and, sadly, I know this from experience.
Fairly early in my post-accident journey, my claims rep suggested I let them hire a 'case manager' for me. She explained their duties were to coordinate treatment, help keep track of everything and make sure no stone was left unturned to make sure I recovered as quickly as possible. Having already been given reason to distrust her, I said I'd think about it, and did some checking around.
Take it from me, an independent case manager is a wonderful thing. If a treating physician believes one will benefit their patient, they can write a prescription which the patient can then use to find one on their own. Or by referral from someone they trust. If they're prescribed, the insurance company should have to cover this expense.
A case manager will make sure that IME's are scheduled at their convenience and attend them with patient. This is a good thing because they will be a witness for every exam. And that's exactly what an accident victim needs. Notice I said 'needs,' not 'wants.'
If they can't get one, they need to make sure that someone goes with them to an IME. They are entitled to a support person with them throughout the exam, at least in my state. It's a definite advantage to have an extra pair of eyes and ears because IME doctors will generally not allow audio or video taping of the time they spend with a patient, so a witness is crucial.
If the witness is able, they should take notes throughout the exam. If not, when it's over, both the patient and the witness should write down everything they remember. Time of arrival, when the exam began and how long it lasted. What the doctor did and asked. After the patient receives their copy of the report, they're often stunned by the differences in what actually happened and what the 'doctor' claimed happened.
The road to recovery is a long one. A case manager or witness might make things a little easier when a claims rep decides the patient has taken too long to recover. In too many cases people kiss their benefits goodbye, leaving them no alternative but take the matter to court to get them reinstated. Knowing details will make them a more credible witness.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finding You
Life is hard after you've been injured in an auto accident. From the injuries themselves to just surviving day to day. It's hard. You're probably in pain-and a lot of it. If you throw a TBI in to the mix, then you may be experiencing difficulties in concentration, being overwhelmed by everything around you, even just trying to think.
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
Feelings of anger, helplessness, resentment and self-pity are emotions you'll struggle with every waking minute. You may find the things you're used to doing have become impossible challenges. Cooking a meal might have been a snap before, but now all it does is make the pain worse. A quick trip to the grocery store isn't so quick anymore. You're hurting, moving slow as a snail and it, too, just keeps adding to the pain. Simple things like getting dressed may require you to swallow your pride and ask for help.
Throw in what seems like endless appointments to see doctors and specialists, for tests, and physical therapy (that you can't imagine helping because every movement is a new adventure in agony) and life just gets...well, harder.
With all of this going on, it's pretty easy to fall in to a 'poor me' frame of mind. You may find it's very easy to whine and complain, after all, you have justifiable reasons for doing so. You may be tempted to start making excuses to avoid situations that make it worse. Let everyone else take over everything you used to do. After all, everything hurts. Why should you do anything to aggravate it?
For one thing, you're not doing yourself any favors. If all you do is sit around doing nothing, you might as well give it up, order a Hoveround and be done with it. I hope this doesn't confuse you but pain associated with any sort of movement does nothing but get worse when you move too little. Your muscles will get used to not moving much, and you'll begin to lose strength. And trust me, it will hurt more when you do get up to do something.
I'm not saying you should get out there and run marathons or anything, but even if it's nothing more than wandering out to the kitchen once in awhile to stir a pot of soup your spouse or child started, do it. Stay as involved in the things that used to interest you as possible.
Try not to cut yourself off from the people in your life either. Between the pain, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating...and all of your appointments, you just may discover your inner recluse. Banish him (or her) quickly! Staying connected with family and friends was an important part of your life before, and it's a part of your life you need to hang on to. If nothing else, they may be a wonderful distraction from your troubles.
One other thing to watch out. All of the negative emotions you're feeling can build until you feel like you're a stick of dynamite with a really short fuse. One wrong word, one wrong move can set you off. And when it happens, folks, run for cover!
But you know what? The people in your life didn't cause this. Like you, they wish the accident had never happened. They wish you weren't in pain and want you back to normal, too. Possibly even more than you do, depending on what your attitude has been.
They don't deserve to have you take the anger and resentment out on them. So please, if I'm describing you, make it a priority to get this part of you under control. TBI's can complicate things, but it's still not impossible. You might fail far more often than you succeed in reining in those negative feelings and words. But you just keep trying. And trying. And sooner or later, you'll get there. Your successes will outnumber the failures. Each time you win, you'll be one step closer the person you were before the accident.
Obviously I'm not talking about those who have suffered catastrophic physical and/or head injuries. But if you're here, reading this with any degree of understanding, then you likely have what it takes to help yourself on the road back to what was normal for you. Maybe you'll never achieve 100%, but 30, 50 or 70% is much better than nothing. Isn't it?
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