AND THE LEGAL BATTLES RAGE ON

It's been over a year since my insurance company canceled my benefits, and almost a year since the facility where I received my therapies canceled those appointments.  During this year I've been to (if memory serves) two depositions, two or three facilitations, signed many, many more release forms, had vehicles parked across from my house (I live in the country) with people watching our yard, been basically treated like a criminal, and found the positive effects of the therapies slowly decline until I'm fairly close to the condition I was in when I started.

If you wind up having to fight for your benefits, you truly need to be prepared for the battle of a lifetime.  If your insurance company doesn't find anything to substantiate their claims that all of your problems exist from your life prior to your accident, they will dig so far into your past you won't believe it.  

Been depressed off and on over the course of your life?  That's the reason  you have problems today.  Need to lose a few pounds?  Ever have a backache?  Headache?  Any sort of twinge?  Believe me when I say that anything that's ever been a problem for you, however brief, will suddenly become the cause of any pain or problem your accident caused.

And it will come from the insurance company who gladly took every dime you paid in premiums.  Well, we really can't forget the doctors who earn tens of thousands of dollars every year for saying there's nothing wrong with people like you and I.

In the beginning I was told that this whole process would take eighteen months to two years.  In just over a month it will be two and a half years.

Why?

Because insurance companies don't want to fulfill their promises to you.  Because they will reschedule and reschedule and reschedule, postponing everything they can.  All in hopes of discouraging you to the point that you give up and stop fighting.

All I can say is that if you have any hope of getting your life back-or as much of it as possible-don't ever give up.  

I'm not giving up.  I would not be opposed to having the opportunity to stand in front of a judge and jury and let them know exactly how mistreated I've been.  To let them know that they (or someone they care about) can expect the same thing if they ever find themselves in my position.  The innocent victim of a car crash.   

Sorry if I sound a little bitter in the past couple of posts.  Since my daughter died, I find that I'm filled with overwhelming hatred for these people who have made my life hell on earth.  Now I'm about to start cussing so this is probably a great time to end this post. 

TIME FLIES....

...even when you're not having fun.

For anyone who read my previous blogs, you know that I was dealing with an end to my treatments and antidepressants, and I didn't deal with the effects very well.  Especially given some of the things that happened in the last four months of 2010.  By far the worst was the death of my oldest daughter in early December.  On top of the relentless depression, pain, legal battles to reinstate my benefits, and continuing fatigue, I wasn't good for much of anything the past several weeks either.

So why am I posting tonight?  (rather at 3:16 a.m.)  

I don't really know.  I'm still awake because the disruption in my sleep continues.  And I had long since forgotten about the blog in light of everything that's happened over the course of the past six months.  But I stumbled onto the link a little while ago and read through all the posts again.  Wow, some of the typos were pretty glaring!

One thing that stood out like a neon sign is that I started the blog on my oldest daughter's birthday.  Maybe that means something.  Or maybe it just means that seeing 'July 28' brought her to mind and that I miss her and wish she were still here.

I harbor a lot of anger over this.  Not at her.  As always, it's aimed directly my insurance company-and everyone who played a part in this..  

Because of them and their low life IME doctors, my coverage stopped.  My treatments stopped.  My antidepressants stopped.  My medical support system stopped.

Amazingly enough, all the effects of from the accident hung right in there.  Including my inability to drive.  Mostly because I haven't been released to do so, even after almost two and a half years.  Partly because there are some depth perception issues, a five or six week issue with double vision (related to the eye injury), and who knows what all.

Because of all of this, I wasn't able to drive across the state to see my daughter in November when she had major, dangerous surgery.  I wasn't able to make the drive when, a couple weeks later, she was admitted back in the hospital because of complications from the surgery.  Or when she had yet another surgery to try to repair the damage about ten days later.  I did talk to her on the phone a few times throughout all of this, but not for long periods of time.  We had some issues we were trying to work on.  Partly because of something she did, and partly because of the anger and unforgiveness that became such a huge part of me following the head injury.  

I thought there would be time to work it out with her.  After I got my benefits back and got better.  I never entertained the thought that time would run out.

But it did. 

So in addition to the anger and grief, I also find that the guilt is sometimes unbearable.  

Add to that mix a now intense hatred toward the insurance company reps, lawyers and IME doctors.  I was getting better with all the therapies.  If they'd followed through on their obligation to provide me with the services I paid for, the odds are good that I'd have been driving long before her first surgery rolled around.  In fact, I'd just had the first of eight 'lessons' with a driving instructor trained in working with people with head injuries when the benefits were cut off.  

That was eleven months before she died.  I might have gotten to see my daughter before she died but for them so yeah, I hate them passionately.

Nice upbeat blog tonight, huh?

There is a moral to the story though.  No matter how hard life is after a head injury, no matter how much anger you're capable of harboring, try to direct it away from people you care about.  No matter how much you might be hurt by something, if you're like me, you're not so far gone that the guilt won't get to you, too.

And more importantly, the world does not revolve around you and your problems, no matter how much they affect your life now.  Unless your injury was so catastrophic that there's nothing of the old you left.  The love you feel for others is still there, deeply as it might be buried.

There are no second chances with my daughter.  I don't ever want to go through this again.  So hard as it may be, I'm forcing myself to try harder with those closest to me.  It's not easy.  Trips to the grocery store still stress me out and, if I don't get some time alone when I get home, my temper still flares.  As does my language.  But, as with everything else, I just keep trying and hoping I do better the next time.

Depression...Your New Best Friend

IME doctors try to blame my new tendency toward depression on my life prior to the accident.  Not sure how exactly they come up with that, but regardless, it's sure a problem now.  And something I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks.  First the exhaustion from the reunion, followed by an ongoing crisis involving a fairly close family member and, finally, a lovely summer cold (bad enough that my mom didn't recognize my voice when she called about twelve hours after first realizing I was sick).

Before the accident I tried to strive for contentment.  Not that I didn't have really happy moments, or really down moments-I think that's just the way it is for most people. 

Did I get depressed?  Yeah, sometimes I did.  I spent most of 2002/2003 extremely depressed.  Of course my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it.  So I'm fairly confident in assuming that was normal.  And I'm sure that that's playing a huge role in the worsening of this TBI/PTSD-related depression because August 30th will be the seven year anniversary of his death. 

It's funny that before the accident the only three 'events' that made me sad were his birthday, my birthday and Christmas.  For whatever reason, the anniversary didn't bother me much at all.  But the past two years August has been very difficult to get through. 

Anyway, between that, all that's happened this month, and the fact that I no longer am able to get treatment for anything (thanks to the IME reports), I'm having a tough time lately.  The ability to 'bounce back' just isn't there right now.

I can't help but wonder if it's like this for all TBI/PTSD victims.  If it will ever go away, or if there's anything I can do to get it out of my life.  Being more of a vitamin, herb, natural cures kind of person, it's dismaying to realize that I really miss my antidepressant.  And the counseling.

Is there a purpose for today's blog?  Probably not.  I think it's more to try and explain the sudden lack of posts than anything else.  It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for anything when you're exhausted, don't feel good, are missing your dad....and wonder if what you're stuck with post-accident is what you're....well stuck with. 

After almost two years, that would appear to be the case.

What a Week!

Exhaustion and depression aren't picnics on their own but, add the two together, and life becomes really hard.  

I could say my family reunion started that ball rolling, and it would be sort of true.  I could also go back further and lay the blame smack on the accident, and that would also be true.  The accident did cause the issues with depression and exhaustion, and events of any kind exacerbate the symptoms.

But I'm not laying the blame on either one of those things.  Nope.  Now that those symptoms are starting to ease a bit, anger is setting in...again.  So I'm going to give credit where credit is due-and that goes directly to my insurance company.

Sometimes I'm sure I sound like a whiny, broken record but...I didn't ask for any of this!  I was obeying the law.  I didn't run the red light.  And even though I paid my premiums in good faith that they would uphold their end of our contract, should something like that ever happen, they failed.  In fact, they failed spectacularly. 

It took me well over a year to admit that I was depressed.  I kept denying it, calling it burn out.  Who wouldn't be burned out?  You're in horrible pain, not sleeping, going to so many appointments every single week that you're head is spinning.  Of course it's burn out.

Except it wasn't.  So I finally gave in and accepted a prescription for an antidepressant late last year or early this year (I lose track of time).  Between that and the counseling, it was getting better.  Not great but better.

Until the insurance company sent me to their doctors, then canceled my benefits based on their 'unbiased' and
'independent' reports.  

So no antidepressant, no counseling...  The longer I'm away from both, the worse my symptoms are getting.  Particularly the issues with the depression, quick temper and red-hot, instantaneous anger which, while never completely gone, had subsided quite a bit.  Now they're back in full force. 

Basically I'm back to the original post-accident mess and fighting to figure out how to control all that's going on.  Without the help I need.  Help that I paid for. 

My mantra for today?  And for tomorrow, next week, next year, 2020...  Insurance companies suck!

Yeah, I know it's the weekend.  But I figure after taking most of last week off, I'd post today anyway.  

For Ladies Only...or maybe not

I can't begin to describe the agony I was in after the accident.  And I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  Outside of toothaches and hard labor pains anyway.  What I was left with after my encounter with the 'red light runner,' rates right up there with those two experiences.  Except labor eventually ends and dentists can fill or pull a tooth pretty quickly. 

This went on round the clock, month after month after month.  And all I looked forward to were the shots the doctor thought would help.  But I couldn't have those until all the testing was finished, and circumstances beyond my control caused that to take longer than it should. 

Finally, about five months later, I went in for the first of a series of three shots over a month or so.  I was offered an I.V. sedative but I've had enough I.V.'s in my life (pregnancy related) that it didn't seem like any shot could hurt that bad, so I said no.  I'd just tough it out. 

Wow.  What an experience.  Amazingly enough the shots did hurt.  At least as bad as an I.V.  But it wasn't anything I couldn't tolerate, and I didn't have to worry about feeling groggy the rest of the day.  Or groggier than had become normal by that point. 

Those first shots, one somewhere along the spine, and a second one in the bursa of my left hip were wonderful.  Almost immediate pain relief.  I was so happy I could have danced, but I knew better.  Just because the pain was essentially gone didn't mean the injuries were.

When the shots wore off within ten days, I was discouraged.  Relief from excruciating pain, only to have it return full force, only makes it feel worse.  So I was a little skeptical for the next two appointments.  With good reason because the next two sets didn't have any effect at all.  On the pain.

They did, however, have a peachy little side effect no one bothered to mention.  Can we say irregular periods?  I don't know about you but just one regular four or five day period every month is more than enough for me.  

Try nine in six months, each one lasting ten days to two weeks. 

At first it scared the heck out of me and I started Googling it.  Could there be a correlation between the steroid shots and what was going on?  Yup.  And it's fairly common, too, from what I was able to find.  Common enough that it should have made the side-effect list they gave me. 

I'm not sure what decision I'd have made had I known at the onset that the shots weren't going to help.  Probably gone ahead and gotten them anyway.  I was pretty desperate.  At least now I don't have to weigh pain relief at the expense of half my life on a period.

Would I have more shots?  Not a chance!  I wasn't impressed with the three sets I had (all without I.V. sedation).  I was even less impressed with what followed.

So why did I share this experience?  Because you need to be informed about any procedure you have done. And not just from the information doctors choose to give you.  Get all the facts.  

Many women thought they might be experiencing early menopause-or even symptoms of cancer-when it was nothing more than an unpleasant side effect of the shots.  So check it all out before you agree to anything like this. 

Even men, because you could be surprised, too.

Thank God it's Friday!

The past two summers have been so hard to live through.  Like I mentioned yesterday, I've never liked this season.  But it's so much worse now.  When you never feel good, or rested, and the weather already makes you feel drained, it makes each day just that much harder to get through.

But only two more days of the extreme heat and humidity before the promised break is supposed to arrive- 10-day forecast for mostly seventies. And then there will hopefully we'll see an end to complaints from me.  Until the next round of eighties and nineties anyway.

Just thinking about it makes me want to swear...

Which brings me to the subject of this post.  Am I the only TBI'er (saw that the other day and liked it) who never used to cuss much but, after the injury, cussed so much that it was almost a second language?  Talk about a personality change I despise!   Once I get started it's like I have no control.  Like there's a target number of times I have to swear before it's out of my system.

Anyone remember Fonzie?  I think I'm like him in that I don't like to say I'm sorry.  Not because I think I'm too cool but because if I have to apologize, it's because I've done something to hurt or offend someone.  And I don't like doing that to anyone.  Well, except for the insurance claims reps, their lawyers and the IME doctors.  If I can offend them in any little way, I feel like I should be nominated for an award.

But back to the topic....  When you've just polluted the air with a steady stream of profanity, you have to apologize.  Because you have offended anyone in hearing distance.  Frankly, I'm getting really tired of saying I'm sorry.

Of course this goes hand-in-hand with some of the other subjects I've written about.  Too much stress, too much pressure, etc...  It's always set off because of situations I have trouble handling now.  And it gives me yet another reason to stay holed up alone in my office for most of every day.  If you avoid the triggers, you avoid the bad responses. The only problem is, you also avoid life. 

I like my office just fine, but it's beginning to feel like a prison.  Yes, I choose to hide here far more often than not, but it's only choosing the lesser of two evils.  Isolate myself or risk blowing a gasket and making all the truckers blush.  (For those wondering what in the world I mean by that last statement, it's just a way we describe hard core profanity users in our little corner of the world)

So again...am I the only one?  If not, what are you trying to do to control your language?  Are you having any success with whatever it is you're doing? 

Did I Mention That I HATE Summer?

Yeah, I know I did.  But I had to say it again because it makes me feel better.  Not much, but some.  I still haven't bounced back from the reunion and hot, humid days don't help.  I've been dragging all day.  And trying to come up with a subject to write about tonight.  So far, no luck though.


Guess I'll just say that I finally got a little work in the fiction area done last night.  Darn little and if it flies at all, it's going to take some serious editing.


A friend suggested that maybe the reason I haven't been able to finish anything I was working on two years ago is because somewhere, in its cobweb filled corners, my mind associates the projects with the accident.  She thought that maybe trying something entirely new might kick-start everything.  If last night is anything to go by, though, it's going to take a little more kicking.


Hmm.  I just realized something.  I've been blaming today's overwhelming fatigue on the reunion and weather.  But it was pretty hot yesterday and I didn't feel this bad.  Maybe it's more to do with those thousand words...


Whatever the reason, about all I'll be good for tonight is rambling and I don't think I'm going to go there.  Don't think I'll be adding to the four pages that are hoping to become a book either.  : (